


The Rift In Our Lives

by Myslbek22



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, Interspecies Relationship(s), Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-14 19:26:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myslbek22/pseuds/Myslbek22
Summary: Lexi's start in the new galaxy wasn't exactly what she wanted. Will she get along with the Pathfinder or just stay a cold professional?





	1. Will you catch me when I fall?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. This is my first published work in english so please be gentle :D English is not my country language, there will be mistakes, but I'm trying.  
> Sooo... I really love these two. Lexi is amazing character and I was very sad when I realized that she is not romanceble. But, thats why we have fan fictions :D  
> I followed the game dialog from the begginnig of the game couse it made sense, not to the letter ofcourse. It wont happen much in the upcomig chapters. There will be SPOILERS, read on your own danger.  
> Thats all, hope you like it!

Shock, gasping for air, opening her eyes and jumping out of the cryo pod. That was awakening of Sara Ryder. She felt as her legs and arms were made of stone as she couldn’t properly move them. Her head felt like millions of bells was ringing in it. Gasping for air she realized where they were and why she awaken. 

“We made it...” she whispered silently and wanted to get up.

“Deep breaths. You’re gonna want to take it easy.” 

“I’ve been taking it easy for six hundred years...” she opposed the man who approached her. 

“Ryder, Sara. Recon specialist, Pathfinder mission team,” said woman who came with the man.

“Yea.” Sara nodded. 

“Pathfinder team, the ones finding us a home?”

“Can you make it somewhere tropical? Nice warm ocean... summer year-round...” joked the woman. Sara had to smile. She didn’t know where they were headed that was on her father to decide. 

“How about we get her a cup of coffee first?” Coffee! Finally! She felt bells in her head still ringing when she approached other stasis pods and someone pulled a cup of coffee to her hand. She took a little sip form the cup and felt warmer already. She walked through the round door to the med bay of some sort, looking at other people who was already sitting or lying on their beds and trying to recover. Some people walked around her already up on their feet without need of supportive hands. They pulled her to the bed and left to wake up other people. Sara listened to the Welcome vid when adrenalin started to pour into her veins. She didn’t know if it was excitement from new galaxy or just strong coffee but she didn’t really care. 

“Sara Ryder? Let’s get you checked out.” Sara twitched a bit when she was torn out of thoughts by an asari doctor. She always had thing for an asari, even back in the Milky Way. They were strong, cunning, intelligent, adorable... and blue. “Look here,” asari said and scanned Ryder, then touched her neck to examine if anything wasn’t right. Sara shivered under her touch. She was so gentle and soft that Sara had to hold her breath and exhaled after the other woman got hands off her, shivering again. It was for the first time after six hundred years sleep when someone touched her bare skin. 

“Makes it sound so easy, doesn’t it?” Asari probably reacted to the Welcome vid, still broadcasting on the board. 

“I hope not. I signed for a little adventure before we settle down,” Sara responded and smiled on the doctor. She obviously didn’t share that opinion. 

“Well buckle up. Sounds like you’ll get your wish,” doctor responded in cold voice. 

“Yeah?” 

“Over here now,” asari rose up her finger and passed it just few centimetres before Ryder’s nose. “The Pathfinder wants you all on your feet right away. He said “mission ready within the hour.”

“Any idea why?” Sara asked. 

“No, but I guess that’s where your “adventure” comes in?” asari chuckled sarcastically. Sara had to smile. She knew many asari researchers thanks to her work on Prothean dig sites. They could be so cold and distant, this was welcome change.

“Okay, everything checks out. Just one more thing before I send you on your way... Let’s test your SAM implant. SAM, are you monitoring?” No response. “SAM, are you online?”

“Yes, Dr.T’Perro. Good morning, Sara. Are you feeling well?” 

“T’Perro? I think I heard that name before.” Asari nodded.

“Your father introduced us back in the Milky Way but I don’t think you really cared. You and your brother were too busy watching the ark and shuttles, beating one another little bit, am I right?” Yes, Sara remembered now. Dr. Lexi T’Perro, the only asari on the human ark. How could she forget? She put her head into her palm, coffee in the other one. It was really embarrassing. 

“How are you feeling?” Lexi continued like nothing happened.

“I’m ready to get to it.” Sara really was just to get out of this awkward situation. She put down empty mug and tried to stand up. 

“You’re all done. Let’s get you on your way.” She felt Lexi’s hand on her back and shivered again. It seemed that Lexi really didn’t care about embarrassing situation only minute ago. “Though you may want to hang around while we revive your brother. It always helps to see familiar fa-“ Her words were interrupted by loud blow. The ark trembled and they both fell to the ground. Sara managed to catch Lexi before she fell down. The asari fell on her and Sara instinctively wrapped her hands around Lexi’s body and rolled both of them aside just do be sure she doesn’t get hurt. 

“Hands. Off. Now.” Sara looked at confused asari and did what Lexi wanted. They tried to stand up when Sara spotted one of the cryo pods sliding on the ground to them. In that moment she felt her body lighten, feet’s getting off the ground. 

“Get down!” Sara shouted and pushed Lexi down a bit. Sara was missed by the flying pod only by inches. 

“What’s happening?” She heard Lexi’s voice an octave higher.

“Just hang on!” Sara tried to get to the wall and do something about lost gravity but she was too far for that. Then the loudspeaker sounded.

“Engineering, report!”

“Gravity in cryobay is offline!”

“I’m almost inside! Hold on!” She knew that voice. Cora. Then door to the room opened. “This is Cora! I’m at the cryo bay! Brace for a reset...” It was hard fall down.

“Finally, ground again. Are you okay?” Sara looked at Lexi and their eyes met. Her expression softened after the shock got away.

“I think so. Thank you...” Sara smiled and turned to Cora standing before her. 

“What happened?”

“We’re not sure. Sensors are scrambled. But it’s good to see you’re up. Feels like centuries since we spoke.” Cora said warmly. The loudspeaker opened again and she could recognise voice of her father, Alec Ryder. “This is the Pathfinder. Mission teams, continue preparations. Cora, Ryders, report to the bridge." They all wanted to go when male voice interrupted them.

“Uh, we have a problem over here. It’s Scott Ryder.” Sara’s heart skipped a beat. 

“What’s wrong?” Cora asked.

“I don’t know. Have to check it out.” Lexi ran to the cryo pod, her eyes met Sara’s. Asari started talking before Ryder could even open her mouth.

“Scott’s fine, his vitals are strong. He’ll live.”

“Are you sure?” Sara had her doubts, the pod seemed damaged. A lot.  


“Yes. We’ll talk after your return. Now go. I’ll take care of him, I promise.” Sara nodded and let Lexi turn to cryo pod again. 

\----------------------------------------------------------

She headed with Cora to the bridge. Everyone there was running, trying to fix things before it gets any worse. There was only one person her eyes were searching for. 

“Dad...” Sara walked right to him but he didn’t pay attention to her. 

“What’s our position?” He continued to talk to the captain and crew.

“Dad...!” Again, nothing. She heard only few words that her father said. Protocol, Nexus, arks, golden world, solid ground... her rage was building up. Captains voice was another thing she heard. 

“Dad!” Sara was shouting now. Whole bridge stopped and looked at her. Everyone except Alec. 

“Ryder, if you can’t restrain yourself, please, leave the bridge.” That was the only thing Sara got from him. 

“Alec, we’ve got twenty thousand people asleep on this ship... Let’s give them a chance to wake up.” Captain continued when people at the bridge started to work again. 

“Can you blame her?” Cora asked silently, turning to still angry Sara. It was always like this with her dad. He never really cared about them. 

“She is the captain. I’d think she gets the final word.” She didn’t really agreed with the captain, but didn’t want to give her father satisfaction of agreeing on something. 

“This isn’t about having the final word!” Alec said and glared at Sara.

“Yes, sir.” Cora saluted.

They finally got through dark energy surrounding the arc, Habitat seven on sight. And it looked bad. She almost forgot about Scott or being mat at Alec. Everything they hoped for was down there, there was no turning back. She heard her father walking down and speaking to others but she didn’t care. 

“...planet fall in thirty.”

“Yes, sir.” Alec and Cora left without noticing Sara still hanging on the bridge. 

“A stubborn one, isn’t he?” Captain stood next to her, worries in her voice. 

“I don’t really know...” With those words, Sara left. In the hallway she started to run. There was a little time and Habitation deck was two stations away from the med bay. 

In the meantime, Lexi and others managed to get Scott out of his stasis pod. He was lying on the bed, Lexi standing next to him, running all the tests she could. 

“Sara! Shouldn’t you be gearing up for the mission?” Lexi was surprised when young woman walked into the med bay. Sara was catching her breath. 

“I wanted to see that he’s okay.” She kneeled to her brother’s side.

“The revival procedure was interrupted. We’ll need to keep him in the low-level coma for a while, then let his body regain consciousness naturally.” Sara nodded, eyes still locked on her brother. 

“I wanted to thank you.” Sara raised her head. Lexi dropped her datapad and met her eyes with the other woman.

“What? Why?” Sara was very confused. She should be the one thanking her for taking care of Scott. Lexi looked away.

“For catching me. Pulling me out of the way of that stasis pod. How did you managed to do it so quickly?”

“I was a researcher. Tremors and falling rocks were common at the dig sites. We were taking care of each other. I was the jumpy one.” Lexi chuckled. 

“Anyway... thank you.” She said again, giving Sara warm smile. 

“Um... I should get back to things.” Sara felt heat in her cheeks that asari caused her. 

“You should. Sara, good luck.” 

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll need it.”


	2. Sometimes things go wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's another one. Enjoy!

She couldn’t breathe. Her body was aching with pain from the fall. She heard steps toward her and looked up. It was her father. He was saying something but she couldn’t hear him. Then he did something she didn’t expect. He took down his helmet and gave it to her. 

“Deep breaths!” She could breathe again but not much. It seemed that his helmet was a bit damaged too. 

“Initiating transfer.” She heard SAM. Transfer? Of what? She started to lose consciousness. 

“Dad... what...” Sara reached out a hand toward him before she totally blacked out. 

When she regained part of her consciousness, voices were surrounding her. She could recognise Cora, then Harry...

_A woman with brown hair is standing at the cliff, looking at sunset. “Alec, there you are!” She turns to her, smile on her face.  
Little boy is running before her. “You’ll never catch me Sara!” She runs faster, her legs aching but she can’t let him win._

“Pulse is weakening! Tell the ark to prep med bay!” 

_“Alec!” She’s falling from the mountain side trying to catch something, anything.  
She is sitting at school, waving her hand in the air. “Sara, you know the right answer?”_

“C’mon!”

_She throws things off the table. Angry, frustrated. Why can’t they understand what she’s trying to do? SAM could help millions of people!  
She’s in the cave, her body pressed onto blue woman, her mind quiet and calm from the melding for the first time. “Oh, Sara!”_

“Pulse dropping, We’re losing them!”

_“Harper! To the left!” She’s holding N7 shotgun, running on the training ground with Cora, one of the best biotics she’ve ever seen.  
“Sara! Sara help me! Please! Don’t leave me there!” The dig site is crashing down; blue woman is trapped under the rock before her. She’s trying to lift it up but it’s too heavy._

“It’s a seizure! The brain can’t handle the connection!”

_She’s waking up from the cryo, everything still quiet. She looks around and walks to one of the pods. “Hang in there, I’ll get you out.”  
“It’s Scott Ryder!” Her heart skips a beat. It can’t be! Not her little brother!_

“Get her to SAM node!”

_She’s gearing up at the Hyperion, her hands are shaking. She’s alone there. “Pathfinder, the shuttles are ready for deployment.”  
“Anyway... thank you.” Smile on the lips of the blue woman standing before her. Her heart beat increasing, smiling back._

“SAM, what’s the reading?” Lexi! It was Lexi! Sara opened her eyes for little and tried to reach the asari on her left. Gentle but fast touch put her hand back down, still holding it. She blacked out again. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lexi was sitting with Harry at the table on habitation deck with cup of coffee in her hand.

“That was close, we almost lost them both.” Harry was staring at the ground. “I’m too old for this shit. But I should know better than say this to someone who is over two hundred and seventy, right?” 

“That you should.” Lexi smiled at her long term friend. Unlike her, he aged a lot over years. “I’m sorry about Alec. It must be hard.” 

“We met when we were very young, it feels like centuries.” Harry sighted. “I’m staying at Hyperion. You’ll accompany our new Pathfinder on her journey in Andromeda.” Lexi was taking sip of her coffee when he said it. She almost choked. He had to give her few hits to the back before she coughed. 

“What?! You can’t be serious!” She opposed him when she could breathe again. 

“I am.”

“No! Just... no! I wanted to wake up colonists not taking care of some immature girl that will play the hero of the galaxy!” She liked Sara, she was obviously clever and kind but that was overkill. She didn’t want to play mother to the Pathfinder. 

“Hey, she’s okay. Be grateful it’s not her brother you’ll be dealing with.” Harry chuckled.

“I didn’t agree on this!” Hysteria was taking over her, her voice was increasing, it’s tone getting higher. She put cup of coffee on the table so fast that it spilled out, standing up. She started marching around the table due to lack of space in the room. “I don’t want to be with the Pathfinder!”

“Geez, Lexi, you don’t have to marry her.” Harry teased her. Lexi stopped, frozen where she stood, slowly turning to him with face of the killer. Her hands started to glow with biotics. Harry paled a little.

“Okay, bad joke. But listen. You’ll be good. You’re the best doctor I know and Pathfinder needs the best.” 

“I don’t know Harry.” She slid down to the table, biotics that surrounded her was fading away. “I don’t think I’m ready for responsibility like this...” Lixi sighted. 

“More than ready.” Harry smiled at put his hand on her shoulder.

“Fine. I’ll pack my things.” 

“Thank you, Lexi...” 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Welcome back, Sara.” She shook a bit, opening her eyes and adapting to the light. 

“I... what happend?”

“You were clinically dead for twenty two seconds.” SAM responded.

“Hey, you’re still with us.” Liam was there. He wasn’t the first person she was expecting to see. “Guys, Ryder’s awake! Who were you talking to?”

“SAM.” Liam wanted to say something but female voice interrupted him. It was Cora.

“You’re up!” she ran in, Lexi close behind her. 

“Are you okay?” She checked Ryder’s vitals and waved her hand before Sara’s face.

“The ‘poking your face with my finger’ thing again?” Lexi didn’t change her expression. Sara’s smile faded away. Asari seemed more distant than when they were talking before. She looked around and saw her father’s helmet. She wasn’t stupid. “My father. He didn’t make it, right?” Cora looked down, Lexi away. 

“It was your life or his. And he chose you. I’m sorry, Sara.” It seemed that Cora was taking it way worse than Sara was. 

“Why are we in the SAM node?” 

“SAM is now part of you. It played havoc with your brain.” Lexi’s voice was cold. 

“Your father authorized the transfer of Pathfinder authority to you.” 

“Wait SAM. That’s not possible. Cora is the new Pathfinder.” Sara protested and looked at blond woman before her.

“No, Sara, you are.” Cora was still looking down. 

“You’re kidding me.” 

“Being Pathfinder is a serious job. You sure you’re ready?” 

Lexi was standing aside, letting them chat. She knew the girl wasn’t ready. She still couldn’t believe she agreed to be part of this. She didn’t want to be part of Pathfinder team. She shook her head trying to calm down but it didn’t work. Sara was there. Their new Pathfinder. She needed Lexi at her best. Harry already asked for transfer there was no coming back. She turned back to others. They were still discussing who should or shouldn’t be the Parthfinder. She sighted and stepped in. “It’s all only academic. SAM’s linked to your mind. Trying to untangle it could kill you.” With her last words she turned away again. She heard them talking again about next steps. She didn’t care much. Her only job was to keep Pathfinder alive. “Come on. She need to rest first.” Doctor said without even turning around.

“She has two hours. We’ll need our pathfinder for this.”


	3. The white line

„I wish we had more good news for you. It must be stressful to lose so much in such short time. And gain such responsibility on top of it.” The Nexus was mess, even for Ryder’s standards. She was talking to Kesh in her office, the only one who showed some sympathy and really tried to help. 

“Nah, It’s okay. I’ll get into it.” She smiled and tried to ignore headache she had since it hit her in the Tanns office. “I’ll be on my way. I still have things to do.” 

“Sure. Stop by if you’ll need anything.” Sara nodded and headed to the tram. When door closed she slumped on the bench and leaned her head against a metal wall. What was happening to her? 

_She was standing before redhead woman in N7 armour. They were shaking hands.  
A young boy shouted at her, saying it was her fault. “No! I wanted to save her!”_

There it was again. Images in her head that almost looked like they were real. It was like parts of the movie. Like cuts that were torn out of context. She recognised some of them, the rest was a mystery. She didn’t realize the tram stopped and someone walked in. 

“Hey, you okay?” It was very tall turian woman. The tallest Sara ever seen, actually. 

“What? Oh, yes.” Sara put fallen strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m Sara. Sara Ryder.”

“Well, it seems that I found the Pathfinder before I could even prepare the ship for her.” Turian chuckled. “Vetra Nyx, I’m heading to the docs to load your ship with supplies.”

“Relax. I have still unfinished business at Hyperion. You have plenty of time.” Sara blinked.

“Good to know. But don’t take too long, we’re still fourteen months late.” Vetra laughed and returned the blink to the Pathfinder.

“Noted.” Tram stopped at Hyperion habitation deck. “See you around. Oh and can you get some Blast-o’s on the ship with those supplies? That would be great.” Sara grinned when the door was closing. She could only hear Vetra laughing before tram got off the station.  
There weren’t many people on the Hyperion and Sara was really grateful for it. She staggered down the hall on her way to SAM node, leaning on walls that surrounded her. 

“Hello Sara. Welcome back.” SAM started bud she interrupted him.

“What’s this all about SAM?!” 

“Please, hold on a moment. “ She felt her head getting lighter. Pain was finally fading and she could think straight again. “Done. You are suffering from memory transfer. I calmed emotional memories in your brain for now so they won’t bother you. But you’ll have to sort them later. There are also memories that your father locked even from me. “

“And here we go again... Why can’t be at least once something nice and easy when it comes to my dad? Just once.” 

“Unknown.”

“That was rhetorical question SAM. I wasn’t really asking...”

“I detect that there are triggers that can unlock and sort the memories. I suggest you start at your father’s quarters. If you don’t have other questions, your ship is waiting.”

“Alright. Thanks SAM.” With those words she walked out of SAM node and looked at the door leading to her father’s room. She wasn’t ready to step in. Alec was never much of a family guy but he was still her father. And he was dead. Memories could wait, there were more important things to do. She sighted, hoping it’s not a mistake. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“Ready to see what Tann gave us?” Cora asked and tapped something on her omnitool. “How’s ship?” 

“In final checks and looking great. Oh and tell the Pathfinder that I managed to get those Blast-o’s she wanted.” Cora looked at Sara with raised eyebrows. “What are you? Twelve?” Sara blushed.

“No comment. Please.” Cora looked away so Sara didn’t see her angry sight. This kid was about to save the initiative? What was Alec thinking... 

They finally got out to the docks. Tmpest was amazing. Sara couldn’t wait to get on the board. When they got down she could see Vetra and Lexi talking near the ramp to the ship. 

“If you need anything let me know doc. I can get you almost anything that we brought from the Milky Way.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it. I’ll send you a list after checking the med bay.” 

“Dr. T’Perro? What are you doing here? Where’s Harry?” Sara was confused. Not that it was bad to see the asari again.

“Checking on supplies and preparing for my new job as the Pathfinder’s team doctor. Stop by med bay when you have time. I’ll explain everything.” Sara nodded. Lexi seemed nervous, maybe even upset. Her voice was still cold as ice. Memory of her smile shot through Sara’s mind. She could link that memory now. The white line at blue lips belonged to Lexi. Sam said that what she saw were emotional memories. Her and her dad’s. Why this one? She had more emotional memories than this. She didn’t even know the doctor. Maybe it was because she always had a link with asari. Maybe because of her lover form the Milky Way... 

“Hey, dreamer, I’m talking to you!” Sara blinked at Vetra which was trying to get her attention. 

“Sorry, did you say anything?” 

“I said that everything is packed. We’re good to go.” 

“Yea, okay. We should go.” Sara turned to the ship. “By the way, did you really have to talk about those Blast-o’s via comm? Cora looked at me like on child from elementary school.” 

“Sorry about that.” From her tone was obvious she wasn’t even little sorry. Sara tried to push her down the ramp when they were boarding the ship. Unsuccessfully.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------  
Lexi was sitting at a desk on her new med bay, head leaned in her hands. There it was. After all that she’s been trough back home, her parents, her relationships... She wanted just fresh start, not to be worcoholic weirdo again. But that was all she was, right? All work, no fun. Enough. She needed to get it together. It was her opportunity to study alien species of this galaxy first handed. It was what she loved and was passionate about, why throw away opportunity like that? She raised her head, feeling better. “Just give everything into your passion and it’ll be okay.” She reassured herself.

“Sounds good.” Lexi jumped out of her chair. 

“Ryder! I... How long have you been standing there?” 

“Just a few seconds. I didn’t meant to sneak up on you like that, but your doors were open and you didn’t seem like you wanted to be disturbed so I tried to be quiet.” Sara explained. “Is everything okay? You look nervous.” The concern in her voice forced Lexi to take down her barriers a bit.

“It’s all happening so quickly. Thought I’d be waking up colonists, not taking care of the Pathfinder. Since you’re here, hold still.” She picked up a needle and took blood sample from Sara’s finger. 

“Ow!” It felt like a sting into her arm. It seemed that Lexi got needle too deep and blood started to pour out of Ryder’s finger. “I remember you having gentler touch.” 

“Sorry...” 

“I’s okay, it’ll stop.” Sara tried to calm the doctor and put finger into the mouth, raising one eyebrow at her. Lexi laughed. If nothing else, Sara was excellent comedian. “We’ll all get used to it. You’ll see.” Sara smiled, talking with the finger still in her mouth. 

“Yes, we’ll see...” Lexi sighted and started to check the blood sample. 

“So? Am I okay?” Ryder asked when she looked at her blood taking finger out of her mouth.

“You tell me. Vetra told me she found you slumped in the train and my scanner recorded an increased brain activity before you left for the Nexus.” Sara didn’t want to tell her. It was too personal.

“It was nothing, really. Just stress, nothing more.” Sara was never a god liar and Lexi didn’t look convinced. But she decided to let it pass for now.

“I’ll send you some yoga poses.” Lexi said after she thought about it.

“What?” 

“Yoga. For relaxation. I heard it’s good for both body and soul.” Sara was sceptical about that. She never liked gym classes or workout, that was her brother’s hobby. 

“Maybe if I had someone to practice with...” It came out of her before she could think. 

“Maybe you could ask Vetra. I heard turians are quite... flexible.” There was sign of laugh in her voice. 

“Yea. I might do that.” Sara regretted that she said anything. 

“I’ll send it to you email than. I must check on our supplies, but for now...” Instead of finishing sentence she handed plaster to Ryder.

“Thoughtful” Sara smiled. ”So, we’ll talk later?” 

“Of course.” Lexi watched Rader walk out of the med bay and closed the door behind her.


	4. Scars that never heal

“C’mon Lexi, it’s not that bad.”

“You were shot!” Asari protested while she was trying to get Ryder’s armour off. “They should get you back on the ship immediately. What were they thinking?”

“Pathfinders orders. We had to finish the mission.” Sara grinned at Lexi. Asari didn’t find it amusing. 

“Okay, hands up.” Lexi carefully took down last part of Ryder’s armor and clothes under it. She herd Sara murmured something like ‘shit’ and ‘it huts’ but left it without comment. She never saw Ryder naked, not that she wanted to. She wasn’t very muscular, there were also small folds on her stomach. Besides that, Pathfinder was in really good shape. But when she looked at Sara’s back she froze like a statue. There was a massive scar on Ryder’s back. Burned area that caused kett pistol looked next to it like a tiny parasite. Lexi didn’t think. She took down her gloves and touched Pathfinders bare skin, sliding one hand down on the scar. Ryder got goose bumps and closed her eyes. She knew what Lexi’s hand was sliding on. Asari noticed but didn’t stop. How could she survive something like this? The scar went from the left shoulder almost to the bottom of her back. 

“How...” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Sara interrupted her before she could say anything else. “It’s... It’s sad story...” Her voice broke down. Lexi watched her and didn’t know what to say. She just put her hands at Ryder’s shoulders. 

“Let me put some medigel on the burned area, okay?” Sara nodded. While she was taking care of the wound Sara spoke again.

“Maybe someday... I’ll tell you.” She hissed in pain. It ached like hell. She looked at hole in her armor. “It got right through the shields. Huh. I should repair it.” 

“Those shields saved your life. If they weren’t there you wouldn’t be just burned. And don’t worry. I won’t let you see the action at least for three days. You’ll have plenty of time to repair it.” Sara turned around and looked at her.

“Wait! Colonists of Prodromos will arrive from Nexus tomorrow. I can’t get moving something like that and then not be there!” 

“Relax Ryder. You can go but not in your armor. Or anything that would’ve stick to your body. Actually, I have an idea.” With those words she left med bay, leaving half naked and confused Ryder sitting on the bed. She returned few minutes later with something in her hand.

“Here. Take it.” Sara took bundle of clothes from her and unfolded it.

“Is that... one of Liam’s t-shirts?” Sara couldn’t believe it.

“Yes. What’s the matter? It’s clean I checked it. And twice as big as you” 

“Does Liam know about this?” She still couldn’t believe it.

“I don’t think he listened to me when I asked.” Sara shrugged and put the t-shirt on. It hung on her like a sack but hey, it was comfortable. 

“Thanks Lexi.” Sara curled the sleeves and jumped out of the bed. “So? How do I look?” 

“Awful. But it’ll do.” Lexi smiled and walked Ryder out of the room. “Try not to do something stupid again.”

“Like let myself shot?”

“Yes. Something like that.” Asari turned away and walked through the engineering to the research room. 

“Right... I’ll be careful.” Sara sighted and walked into her quarters. She still felt Lexi’s touch on her back. It was a long time since someone attractive touched her body. Even if it was for medical treatment. Almost three years. Well, if she didn’t count the cryo sleep. She touched the beginning of her scar. She knew she have to get finally through this. It happened more than six hundred years ago in different galaxy. She shook her head and sat on the couch. “Okay Sara. Here we go.” Her body was trembling as she opened long buried file of photos. There was specific one she couldn’t open for whole three years. She took a deep breath and projected picture on the wall. In the picture was her and asari woman, both smiling on the camera with Citadel Presidium behind them. Asari was taller than her, deep blue skin and light green eyes were in very strong contrast. On the bottom was the date 2182. „Hello, Talesia.” Sara’s voice was soft when she spoke. A tear rolled down her cheek. “It is the year 2819. Or year zero for us. And I’m in Andromeda. Six hundred years away from the Milky Way, the galaxy where we met. And... I’m alone here. Without you. Without my mother, father, even brother... He’s in the coma you know. Nobody knows if he’d wake up. I... I died once here in the Andromeda. Only for twenty two second but it counts, yea? Anyway...” Sara took another deep breath. This wasn’t easy. “I left to Andromeda for the fresh start. Clear head, clear mind, clear heart. I was shot today and realised that I’m still taking part of the Milky Way with me. Everywhere I go. I have to let it go. I have to let you go or I’ll never move forward... Please. I hope you understand.” She looked into the green eyes for the last time and destroyed the file. Tears were falling down on the floor but she didn’t try to stop them. Pain that was accumulating in her for years has finally got out. She curled into a ball on the couch knowing this would be a long night. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------  
“Bloody hell, Ryder. You look like shit.” 

“Morning to you too, Peebee.” Sara waved at her when she got to the galley.

“Hey, is that mine?” Liam pointed to the shirt.

“Yes, Liam. It’s yours.” Sara was tired; she didn’t really want to talk to anyone. 

“I don’t get it. But it looks fine on you! Does this mean that I became somehow your boyfriend when you’re borrowing my clothes?”

“No.” Sara didn’t even look up from her food but Peebee burst into loud laughter.

“What’s so funny here?” Another voice joined their conversation. With its tone Sara finally looked up. 

“Wooo... Be careful. Matriarch arrived.” Peebee took her bowl and walked out of the room. Lexi sighted.

“Why does she always seem so pissed when I’m around?!” 

“No idea.” Liam shook his head. 

“Doesn’t matter... How are you feeling Sara? You look like you didn’t sleep whole night.” The Pathfinder had black shadows under the red eyes and very pale almost white skin.

“I didn’t.” Sara looked at her food again, trying to eat something. 

“The pain was that bad? I should probably check it out.” Lexi was worried. Sara didn’t look good. Maybe infection?

“I’m fine Lexi.” Sara tried to smile at her but it didn’t work out very well. The last thing she wanted was Lexi freaking out about her wound. 

“I still want to check up on you before you leave to Prodromos.” Sara acknowledged her defeat and nodded.

“Prodromos, huh? I want to go with you.” Liam smiled and smashed his hand on the table. 

“Sure. Why not? I’d need someone who’d look at least a little representative when I have to go out in this.” She pointed at the shirt with disgust.

“Hey! It’s not that bad!” Liam laughed. Lexi finished preparing her food.

“You can take Peebee with you. I think she’ll be thrilled with that idea. Big mouth and a scarecrow. Perfect match.” She left Sara and Liam alone in the galley. Her tone was cold and curt.

“Owch.” Liam grinned and left too.

Sara slid her head into the hands. This sucked so much...


	5. Lost memories

Sara’s visit at the med bay was quiet one. Lexi ran few tests and checked out the injury but everything was okay. 

“I don’t understand. You’re healing well. There’s nothing wrong with you and yet you look like you’re ill.” 

“It’s just lack of sleep doc. I’ll be fine.” Lexi frowned and started scanning Pathfinder again. “Can’t I get something wrong in my head from so much scanning?”

“Not funny Ryder. Your brain activity is slowly growing above the standard readings again. Why?” Lexi asked and put scanner off. 

“I just... It’s that Pathfinder transfer thing. I’m still getting used to it.” It wasn’t complete lie. 

“It should be okay by now. It had a long time to adapt.” 

“Maybe I’m not that good in adapting?” Asari walked closer to her; looking right into her blue eyes. 

“Ryder... Sara. You’d tell me if something was wrong. Right?” Lixi’s gaze was so intense that Sara couldn’t stand it. She gathered all the strength she had to lock her eyes with doctors. 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” She couldn’t take it any longer and had to look away. Sara knew Lexi wasn’t only physician but also a psychologist and that she knew that something wasn’t right. Asari closed her eyes and sighted. 

“You’re good to go. Good luck at Prodromos.” 

\-------------------------------------------------  


_She is walking down a dark tunnel to recently discovered Prothean dig site; her hands firmly stick to the railing on a wobbly bridge._  
_“I know it’s exciting but I need you to focus.” She hears firm deep voice around the corner. It belongs to an asari woman observing one of the structures._  
_“Talesia D’Nara? This is Sara Ryder. Our new addition.” A researcher who came with her speaks and asari turns to her._  
_“Aren’t you too young to play researcher, little one?” She feels rage building up in her._  
_“Hey! I can handle myself!”_  
_“Calm down. I was just teasing you!” Asari is laughing; handing a hand to her. “Welcome aboard, Sara Ryder.”_

“Pathfinder, the day shift is beginning. We’re arriving at Nexus.” Sara woke up in her bed; datapad she was reading at the evening lying next to her. The three-day period has expired so Sara gladly took down Liam’s giant t-shirt and put up her own clothes. It felt so good to be in her normal clothes size again. She climbed up the ladder and wanted to go to the bridge but voices behind her caught her attention. It was Lexi, Drack and Cora.

“A secure outpost. Finally!” Lexi sounded excited. 

“Prodromos better be worth all that time Ryder put into it.” Drack murmured and snorted.

“If they fail the Nexus starves. No pressure, right?” Lexi laughed. 

“So everything we do now relies on civilians planting vegetables? Great.” 

“I talked to Vera. Even our ration portions are low. And we are the Pathfinder team!” 

“Calm down people. It’ll be okay.” Sara stepped into their conversation. 

“Ryder. You finally took that sack away, huh? You look better.” Cora joked but Lexi protested.

“I didn’t approve on this.”

“You gave me three days doc. Nothing personal but they passed. And you told me yourself that that my wound is healing well.”

“But-“ Lexi wanted to continue but Drack interrupted her. 

“C’mon doc. Ryder is tough. Give her some space.” 

“Thanks, Drack. We’ll be at Nexus in few minutes so if you need anything there prepare to dock.” 

\-------------------------------------------------  
“I don’t know SAM... It’s still kind of fresh you know.” Sara was standing before the door to her father’s quarters. 

“Pathfinder, your brain is confused and barely holds memories together. It doesn’t know if you are Alec or Sara Ryder. If you won’t sort your memories it could lead to schizophrenia and following madness.”

“Great...” Sara sighted and opened the door. 

“Please, search for something that could be the memory trigger.” 

“It can be anything, right?”

“It’s the most possible it would be something personal.”

“Makes sense.” She walked to the weapons that were on the right wall and picked up one that looked like the oldest one.

“Your father’s first sidearm. A memento of his early Alliance sevice. Alec’s first kill occurred in combat during the First contact war.”

“Back when turians were the enemy. Crazy times. But...” She took the gun from her state. “It’ll be fun to point it at Vetra. “

“I’d not advised doing that.”

“Oho, I will.” Sara laughed and continued searching the room. “Normandy SR-2. Shepard’s ship.”

“Also not a memory trigger.”

“I don’t care SAM. I’ve never seen so detailed model...” She took the model of the ship and looked at it closely.

“It was a gift from Commander Shepard herself.” SAM explained.

“You’re kidding me! I knew my father and she were both in the N7 program but he never suggested that they were friends or something.” 

“They were not. But they respected each other deeply. Shepard looked up to Alec when she was in the N7 program. He was her model.”

“Wow... I’ll come for it later.” She continued to wonder the room. There were also printed books and coffee machine but it didn’t do anything either. She walked over the desk and saw a picture of her family. “I didn’t know he kept this. 2170... Even grandmother is here.” She took it from the desk and was stroke by immediate headache. 

“Memory trigger confirmed. One of your father’s memories is available now. Please, return to SAM node.” Sara nodded.

The memory was interesting and strange in one. She was talking but it was voice of her father that was coming from the mouth. And hearing mother again...

“Some of the memories in your brain sorted due to interactions, moves and voices in the memory that unlocked. It should be easier for you to think now.” 

“Yea. I can feel it.” 

_She can smell the perfume and vanilla ice cream; sounds of cars and water of the Presidium behind her._  
_“We’re leaving for the dig site tomorrow. Aren’t you excited?”_  
_“Are you sure you want to come in your condition?” She asked opening her eyes and putting hand on asari’s belly._  
_“I’m not ill, Sara. I’m just-”_

“Stop!” She screamed. “Stop it! Please!” She was kneeling on the floor; tearing hair from her head. Tears were falling down but she didn’t try to stop them.

“I’m sorry Sara. Are you okay?” 

“No! No I’m not okay! This is not fucking okay! Why? Why memories about her?!” 

“These are the most emotional memories you have. I also detect connection to the present.”

“What? What do you mean?” Sara was angry, confused, hurt. She wanted to know what’s happening with her. 

“It seems that you’re developing feelings for another asari.” 

“No. That’s impossible...” 

“It is not. It’s in the human nature to develop relationships and-“

“Shut it SAM. Just... be quiet, okay?” She wiped her tears and walked out of the SAM node. She needed to be drunk for this.


	6. On top of the remnant pillar

“Of course, Doctor T’Perro. We’ll deliver your supplies as soon as possible.”

“Thank you, officer. That’ll be all.” Lexi smiled and turned around on her way to the tram where she rammed into Ryder. They both ended up on the floor. 

“Lexi! I’m so sorry! I didn’t look on the way.” Sara quickly jumped at her feet and helped her stand up. She looked at the asari, thinking about what SAM told her. Maybe...?

“I’m alright.” Lexi shook her head and smiled at her.

“Well that’s... that’s good.” Sara cleared her throat. 

“Why the haste? Where are you going?” 

“Vortex. Few drinks. To lose a steam a bit. You know...” She cleared her throat again. “Woud you like to come with me? Or... somewhere else? Dinner, maybe?” She was cursing herself for this. She was always the awkward one from the twins. It sometimes felt like her brother was born with a flirt line on his lips, but her? She was always like ‘Hey, Sara here. You have nice yes! Almost like a Varren puppy!’

“Oh! Um... The thing is Ryder... You’re not my type.” Lexi didn’t know what to say. She liked Sara. She really did. But as a friend; not like this. 

“What’s your type?” Sara new she shouldn’t push it any further. 

“Not a patient. I need to look at you clinically. Without distractions.”

“Really? Am I distracting?” No. Not any further. 

“Not as much as you think you are.” She was. But just a little. What was Sara trying to do? Flirt with her? Lexi wasn’t much of a flirter but even she could do better. “I’m sorry Ryder. I have things to take care of.” With that Lexi left other woman blushing and drowned in her own stupidity.

“Not her type. Great...” 

Two hours and seven and half drinks later; Sara was sitting at bar in the club. 

“Not her type. She told me I’m not her type! I’m the Pathfinder! What more does that woman want?”

“Someone that doesn’t shout at the bottle, maybe?” Peebee laughed and came to Sara’s side. “Who were you talking about anyway?” 

“Doesn’t matter...” She took another big gulp from the bottle and turned to Peebee. “Sooo... You’re an asari, right?” 

“Yes Ryder. I think I am.” Peebee laughed and ordered a drink. “When did you found out? Before or after those drinks? Wait! Don’t answer. I don’t want to really know.” A bartender slid bottle of something to her and Peebee picked it up. “To broken hearts and no strings!”

“I’ll drink to that!” Sara picked up the bottle too and drunk it to the bottom. 

“No strings Ryder... I think we could both use to blow off some steam, don’t you think?” Asari smiled and put her hand on Sara’s cheek.

“Sure.” Sara was never one for the casual sex; but why the hell not? Peebee was beautiful and hot and she was right there. Who said she could have sex only with love? She didn’t really expect to find love in the Andromeda anyway. “Let’s go!” 

The Nexus was peaceful and quiet a night. If you could call it night. The lights were off as well as artificial sky. They ran to the Peebee’s apartment. It was mess in there. Papers were lying everywhere on the floor with pieces of the remnant tech. 

“Just imagine that you’re doing it on top of one of the remnant monoliths. And ignore the rest.” Peebee smiled and kissed her. It was deep passionate kiss full of desire. Sara was enjoying it. It was first kiss since Talesia and it felt so good. She held Peebee close; sliding her hands at her stomach and under the jacket. Peebee gasped when she felt Ryder’s cold hands on her skin and pulled her closer. 

“That’s what you want?” Sara spoke against her lips. “Doing it when the remnant bots can swoop out and shot you?”

“It’s about adrenalin Ryder!” Sara’s scarf and jacket fell on the ground and asari’s lips started to slide down on her jaw and neck. Sara felt her body shivering from excitement, goose bumps all over. She also felt Peebee’s hand undoing button on her trousers and pushing her against the wall. 

_She can feel soft lips against hers. Her heart is beating so fast that she can’t feel almost anything else._

The memory faded when Peebee pushed her fingers inside her. Loud moan escaped from her. It hurt.

_“The thing is Ryder... You’re not my type.” Full blue lips curled into strange little smile._

The hype was gone. Sara pushed Peebee off and tried to figure on what had just happened. 

“I... I’m sorry. I can’t.” She looked at the asari. Sara was afraid that she would be mad at her. But Peebee looked more confused than mad. 

“Still hurt huh? It’s okay. I got through this shit too.” She adjusted her violet jacket and walked over to a small cabinet. “Want more drinks?” She was holding something that looked like a bottle of whisky.

“Hand it over.” Sara buttoned her pants and hopped to the couch. “Even when it ended like this, thanks for the nice evening.” 

“Anytime Ryder. Cheers.” 

\-------------------------------------------------  
“Where were you two? We’re ready to leave for whole five hours!” Suvi was standing with Lexi and Vetra near the airlock checking if they haven’t left something behind. “Oh my God, Ryder! You smell like a pub!”

“I know. I’ll go take shower right away.” 

“Want company?” Peebee winked before she slid to her escape pod.

“Rather not.” Ryder chuckled and looked at Lexi. She didn’t turn her eyes from the datapad and her body language was firm. She wouldn’t admit it but she felt a bit betrayed. First Sara asks her out and then appears with Peebee night after with hangover? She could have imagine what happened last night. She was right to reject Ryders offer.

“Rough night?” Vetra asked and handed can of soup to Sara.

“Not that much. The day was worse.” Her eyes met with doctor’s before Sara left. Lexi sighted.

“What part did you had in this?” Lexi waited before she answered confused turian. 

“Probably the bad one...” 

In the meantime Sara stepped in the shower letting hot water wash the events of previous day and night as well as the sweat and alcohol. Like SAM said, she started having feelings for an asari and she knew for sure that it wasn’t Peebee. It was Lexi. And she rejected her. That was Sara’s kind of luck all the time. Her whole life was like this. Anything she ever cared about was gone, people she loved was dead or in the coma and woman she liked didn’t want her. She pulled her forehead to the tiled wall. Why her? Why it always had to be her? When she walked out of the bathroom she looked at the door to the med bay. They were sealed.


	7. When the stars are too bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter today, but it's worth it. I promise ;)

“Get us out of here!” They were flying through the Scourge trying to escape the kett ships.

“Kalloooo...!” 

“Yes!” It worked. They got out just in time before their ship could crash. The feeling of relieve was perceptible in the air. 

“Ha-ha. Nice work kid.” Drack laughed.

“Yeah... But who the hell was that guy?!”

“Ryder! We’ve got trouble down here. You need to find us the port, now! “ 

“Okay. Gil, give it what you can. We’re setting down.” Sara didn’t like this. Something was off and Suvi confirmed it only few minutes later.

“We’re being contacted.” Crap...

“We have to land. Open a comm.” Sara sighted when strange language sounded from the console. “Listen. Sorry to just show up like this but, I swear, we’re the galactic good guys.” Someone spoke back and laughed. That wasn’t good.

“Pathfinder, they’re forcing us to land.” Sara closed her eyes when Kallo said it. First contact with new aliens and it was on her. Only her.

“Then we land. We need in that vault.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------  
“You’ve let her go alone?! Are you insane?!” Lexi rammed to the bridge like a hurricane. She held her bandaged hand where traces of blue blood still were. “Without weapons? Only in that terrible jacket?!” 

“Calm down Lexi. She’ll be fine.” Vetra tried to calm her but she only made it worse.

“And what if she won’t be?! What if they shoot her or something worse?! I couldn’t give her proper medical treatment right now! My own hand is bleeding!” 

“Shouting won’t help T’Perro. Besides, shouldn’t you go treat your own wound?” Lexi gave Peebee irritated glance. 

“I was planning to do that but then I heard that our Pathfinder left for planet full of hostile aliens!” 

“We don’t know if they’re hostile Lexi. Please, calm down.” Suvi tried but failed as well as Vetra. 

“I have enough of this. I’m going out there.” Cora stepped in her way when she tried to walk out of the bridge. 

“And what do you want to do once you’re out there?”

“I can break bones just as well as I can mend them, ‘huntress’.”

“If we violate the promise Ryder gave them we can write her memorial right now. SAM?”

“Yes, Lieutenant Harper?” 

“Please, give doctor T’Perro regular updates on Pathfinder’s vital signs. Will that be enough?” 

“I... Yes. I think so.” With that Lexi walked around Cora and returned to the med bay. She still had to stop bleeding from her own hand. Metal scalpel that went through it when ship brushed against the Scourge was still lying on the desk. The wound was deep but clean. Nothing medigel couldn’t fix. 

“Doctor T’Perro, Pathfinders vital signs are all normal. I only detect increased dose of adrenaline in her blood.”

“Thank you SAM. Give me another update in ten minutes.” 

Lexi knew she shouldn’t loose it like that. But letting Ryder go alone was so stupid and reckless. It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if it was from Pathfinders head. How could she do her job properly when Sara was still complicating things? Her lack of patience, heading into danger without thinking, that flirt at the Nexus... Sara was good at complicating things. Lexi never thought about Sara in the romantic way. She was never into humans. Yes, their physiology was interesting and she found good friend in Harry but that was all. And even if the unlikely happened and she had feelings for Sara, relationship was something that could never be. She was her patient. 

“Please Sara. Don’t complicate it any further...” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------  
“I wish you guys could see it.” Sara was sitting on the couch in Liam’s storage room; drinking one of his last beers. 

“I can believe that. If we’ll be lucky with the angara; we’ll see it soon. Oh, and don’t you ever dare leaving alone again. I don’t want to be smashed on the wall with biotics. I like myself so much for dying like that.” Liam joked.

“Are you talking about Peebee or Cora?”

“Neither. T’Perro almost crushed the bridge when she heard you left alone. She was like an unleashed Varren.”

„Are you sure you’re talking about our always calm and professional doctor? Why would she act like that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause she was hurt herself.” 

“Wait. What? She was hurt? How? What happened?” Sara froze as she was. 

“Something about her hand. I don’t really know. Haven’t seen her since she left the bridge.” 

“And nobody bothered to tell me?!” 

“You... didn’t ask?” 

“Liam!” Sara wanted to throw the bottle on him. Instead she put it down and stood up. “I’m going to check on her.” She walked through cargo bay and stopped before the door to med. “Um... Doctor T’Perro?” There was no answer. “Lexi?” Still no answer. She opened the door but room was empty. “That’s not good.”

“Pathfinder. I found doctor T’Perro in the upper part of the ship near vidcom.”

“Thanks SAM.” Most of the ship was already asleep and lights were dark. “SAM, arrange to not turn on the lights when I’ll walk through." 

“Done.”

She was really there; standing at the very back of the dark room so no one could see her. Her head was raised toward the stars that reflected in her eyes. She was so beautiful in her own way. Sara felt her heart beat faster. 

_“The thing is Ryder... you’re not my type.”_

Memory flashed through her head again. Lexi’s feelings for her were clear. She didn’t want her. Sara took a deep breath and walked up to the asari. 

“How did you manage to slip through the whole ship without anyone noticing?” Lexi turned around; torn out from her thoughts. 

“Sara, you scared me. That’s second time you sneaked up on me like this. Stop doing that.” Lexi frowned with a smile and walked closer to the Pathfinder. 

“I just wanted to know if you’re okay. Liam told me about your hand. And that you almost crushed the bridge.” Lexi laughed. 

“It really wasn’t that bad. I was just worried about you. And my hand is fine.”

“How did it happen?” 

“One of the unlocked boxes flipped out when we hit the Scourge. Scalpel got through.” 

“May I?” Sara asked and reached for her hand. Lexi nodded. Sara’s touch was cold but also very soft and careful. 

“Do you always have so cold hands?”

“Yeah, almost everytime.” Sara smiled and Lexi nervously returned it. She pulled her hand back and looked through the window again.

“The stars in Andromeda are beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Not as much as you...” Sara whispered; face turned to her. Lexi felt heat in her cheeks and her pulse quickened. She was like in some kind of trance when she looked back at Sara. They were standing close but it wasn’t enough for Sara. She stepped even closer. Too close for Lexi to like. 

“Don’t...” Lexi said when Sara began to approach forward to her face. She wanted to say more but her vocal cords betrayed her.

“Don’t what?” Sara whispered but didn’t stop. Lexi knew she have to do something. Sara was her patient! Her Pathfinder! This wasn’t right. Asari gathered all the strength she had and pulled a finger on human’s lips. 

“Good night Sara...” She walked away, leaving Ryder in the empty room lightened only by the stars.


	8. As cold as ice on Voeld

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of work lately, but I managed to get you at least one short chapter :)

“Wow. Ryder, I didn’t know you have an artistic side.” Gil walked to the Sara who was sitting next to Nomad only in her top, shorts, glasses and with filter mask; cans of spray were lying on the floor all over the cargo bay. Whole Nomad was recolored to black. She was working on the back, starting with light cyan and white. Gil didn’t get any answer from her. “I get it that black may be your favourite colour, even if I thought it is any shade of blue, according to what you told me, but why? “ She shot annoyed look at him and continued to work. She and Gil became close after their poker night at Vortex where he told her about Jill. After few drinks, she opened to him too; told him everything about her adventures in the Milky Way, her love life, her family. “C’mon Ryder. I know you’re hurt but that doesn’t mean you have to hate and ignore me too.” She sighted, put down the spray she was holding and took the mask down. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you working on?” Gil asked and sat on the floor next to her. Sara took datapad from the ground and and showed him. “Whoa... Can you really do that?”

“Yep. Got my sense for art from my grandmother. Me and Scott both. She was father’s mother, respected earth artist named Laura Ryder. We once painted his car to phosphorescent pink and yellow flowers with her. We were twelve. Father shouted at grandma for hours while she and mom were laughing.” Sara smiled talking about it. It was bringing back good memories. 

“What was she like?” 

“Tall, elegant, impatient, spontaneous, gorgeous, full of confidence and humor... She was never much of a loving type though. There was always something more important. Like when she met grandpa and left him without word after few months for some artistic challenge in Los Angeles; realising she was pregnant too late. I guess that’s the reason father never showed his feelings. He couldn’t give us something he never received.”

“She sound a great bit like you. Well... except that ‘tall and elegant’ part. You’re more like chicken on the front yard. And you care a lot about everybody. I think that is your mothers part in you.” She gave him a playful hit to the shoulder. 

“Yea. Probably. I never thought about it this way.” She looked at him and smiled. She liked him a lot. He was smart, funny, honest and could keep a secret. “I think it’s not so bad to have gay engineer as best friend.” 

“That coming from lesbian weirdo obsessed by asari...” 

“O-ho-ho! Now you’re dead!” She jumped at him and gave him a small punch to the face. 

“Hey! I’m not combat trained! Heeelp!” Gil shouted. 

“Get a room you two!” Sara could hear Liam from his room. There was a moment of silence and then both people on the floor busted in the loud laughter. Sara got up and touched her neck.

“No! No, no, no...!” She started to run around; looking at floor.

“What’s wrong?” Gil asked and followed her.

“It’s gone! My pendant!”

“The one you were wearing even under your armor? Oh boy...” Gil paled.

“Yes! This is your fault!”

“Hey! You punched me!” Frustrated Sara sat back on the floor. Gil lightened his expression. “Ryder...”

“Go. Just go.” She put the mask back on her face and started to work again.

  
\---------------------------------------------------------  
They got to the Voeld morning after. Pathfinder and her team left to find an angara base and rest of them were at emergency if anything happen. Everyone felt something was wrong about Voeld; like something should happen.  
Lexi was packing medical supplies for the Nomad when Sara called she’d need it out in the weather. Asari checked it fifth times before she left the med bay to the cargo bay. What she saw in there left her speechless. At the Nomad was perfect detail of the Andromeda galaxy. She walked around and looked closer. She had a good memory. It was the stars she saw with Sara that night they almost kissed in the meeting room.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” She looked up and Saw Gil smiling at her. “She worked almost whole night on it.” 

“It’s amazing. I didn’t know-“

“-that she could be one of the best artists you’ve ever met? Yeah, me neither.” He interrupted her before she could finish. “Talented girl. Almost shame she got title of the Pathfinder. She even got it from the right angle, right?” He rode down the elevator and looked directly into her eyes. Her eyes went cold but inside she wanted to scream.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She started to pack Nomad with supplies and emergency blankets so he couldn’t see her anguished face

“And I think you have. Maybe you could give her a chance. She’s a good girl you know.” 

“I know...” Lexi still couldn’t face him. Of course she knew. She got some information on Sara from Cora which spend a lot of time before initiative with Ryder family. Lexi knew Sara had an asari lover back in the Milky Way and that it didn’t end well. “I know she’s been through a lot and that she’s incredible woman but my answer is still no. Even if I wanted; doctors can’t date patients. And I have to look at her only as a patient as well as you or anyone else on this ship. Besides, I don’t feel the same as she does.”

“I get your point doc. But that doesn’t mean I agree with it. And don’t lie to me. I’m a poker player your ‘professional attitude’ won’t work here.” 

“Gil is the Nomad ready? If not I promise to order SAM to turn off heat support in the engineering.“ Sara’s voice sounded through the comm. He looked at asari and she nodded. 

“Ready to go. Good luck.” Snow and wind got in when they opened the ramp to deploy Nomad on the ground. Gil and Lexi were shivering even when it closed again. 

“I don’t like this. Humans are not supposed to endure such cold.” Lexi was worried. The temperature could fall below minus fifty and their life support could work only for small amount of time. 

“We’re not. Let’s hope she can manage it to the frozen hell and back without making an ice statue from herself.” Gil walked back to the engineering. His words wasn’t even little helpful. Lexi tried to stay calm. If anyone could do this, it was Sara. _Hers Sara_ , she thought but got it out of her head almost immediately. She wanted to go back to the med bay but something got her attention. It was small and glistening on the ground. Sara’s pendant. A small cross but not the simple one she saw on other humans. This one had a loop on the top. Leather that usually kept it on Sara’s neck was torn in two. Wherever it was, wind had to get it out. Part of her wanted to keep it; the other one told her it was stupid idea so she put it inside one of the pockets on uniform; hoping Pathfinder will return safely so she could return it to her.


	9. Good night

“Pathfinder, I detect almost thirty remnant bots before you.”

“Shit. We can’t lay low for this one. We have to shoot our way through.” Sara was in the cover, her beloved sniper rifle, Black Widow, was resting on her knee. “Thoughts?”

“We all just do what we can do best.” Peebee smiled and started to glow with biotics.

“What she said.” Vetra nodded. 

“Okay guys. This will be tough. Let’s go!” It was hard fight. Remnant were shooting at them, lasers were cutting through their shields. 

“Hey, Ryder, you’re in the mood?” Peebee shouted with laughing and took one of bots down. 

“For what?” 

“Our talk back on Nexus. Rem-bots swooping down, shooting at us. Not a monolith but I think the vault will do too.” 

“Not really Peebee.” Sara laughed when other bot fell down. 

“Shame. I would- oh no, Vetra!” Ryder saw it too. One of bots transformed into the air and took Vetra by surprise. She fell down with scream when laser got through her shields and armor. Peebee charged through the remnant right to her. “Ryder, her life support is down! We need to pull back!” 

“No! We’re so close to solving this thing!” Sara still tried to get through the bots. 

“If we don’t, she’s dead! Stop playing hero, we can return later!” Asari got Vetra on her shoulder with help of her biotics and started to go back to the gravity well. 

“People in our outpost are dead if we don’t restart the vault! You two go, I’ll finish what we started.” 

“No fucking way! You’re coming too. I won’t let you stay alone here!” Peebee was almost at the gravity well behind back door. 

“You’ll have to.” Sara interfered with one of the consoles and closed the door so bots won’t follow them. 

“Ryder! What are you doing? Open it! I won’t let you die here! Shit...!” She got no response, only shooting behind the door. “You asshole... If you die here I’ll resurrect you and kill you myself! You hear me? Just don’t die here! Please? We’ll come back for you!” She took Vetra and got her back to the surface. “Kallo! I need an emergency extraction on this coordinates.” 

“There are too many hills you need to get to the Nomad and have to find a flatter place so I could pick you up.” 

“Got it! Vetra’s life support is down, she’s injured and freezing, tell Lexi to prepare med bay.” The pickup was quick. Drack and Liam got Vetra out of the Nomad and got her to the med bay. 

“She’s barely breathing. Injury got her unconscious but it’s the cold that is real problem. Get me some pillows!” Lexi did everything she could. It took almost whole hour but she managed to stabilize her. “She need to rest now.”

“You’re good doc.” Drack patted her on the shoulder and walked closer to the turian. “I’ll keep an eye on her from now. You should get some rest too.” Lexi smiled at him and walked to the cargo bay. Cora and Liam were suiting up. 

“Do we have everything?” Cora asked and looked at the others. 

“Who cares?! We have to go! Now!” Peebee shouted and hopped into Nomad. Lexi now realised something she haven’t when they got Vetra in. There was no Sara. 

“Peebee... where-“

“She stayed in the vault okay?! We need to get her out!” Lexi felt like if her heart stopped and almost fainted.

“Why...? Why did she...?” She couldn’t speak. Her hands were shaking and one of them slid to the pocket and touched the pendant she found. She cleared her throat and looked at Cora. “I’m coming with you.”

“What about Vetra? Is she okay?” Liam asked when he watched asari run for her gear.

“Vetra is stable. But Sara shouldn’t be so lucky to survive whole way to the Tempest.” 

“Okay doc. Make it quick. We’re leaving in five.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------  
Sara was walking deeper into the vault; remnant corpses lying all around her. She hoped there won’t be more; she was almost out of amo. The vault itself was giant; full of crossing, jumping, locked doors and strange flowers. It took time before she got through completely. 

“Finally... Let’s reset it and get out of here.” Before she could interact with the console another horde of remnant appeared before her. “Shit! SAM, do something! Anything!” 

“Pathfinder, in proportion to your amo and the number of enemies, I suggest interaction with the console and start running.” 

“Great...” She transferred a great deal of power to the shields and walked out of cover. 

“Pathfinder, so much energy in your shields will weaken the life support.”

“And if I don’t I’m dead anyway.” She managed to interact with the console even when remnants were shooting at her. As usually, everything turned red and cleansing cloud appeared at the end of the vault. “Here we go!” She started to run. Cold in her body was like knives; she knew she’s not fast enough with her legs aching like this. 

“Energy in your suit is fading, your shields are down.”

“I know SAM! Owch...!” One of the bots shot her in the arm. 

“You were shot.”

“You don’t say!” The cloud was closer and closer. 

“Pathfinder, I detect open door by your right. You could manage to close yourself in before the cleansing cloud disappears. Although I do not know if the life support will last long enough. I have no data on how long will the air clean.” 

“I’ll take my chance with the door.” She ran inside and closed it. The room was dark but some small lights were there. “We’ll wait now. How deep underground am I?” 

“Almost three kilometers Pathfinder. I remind you that energy in your suit is still falling.”

“Shit that’s... deep. Okay SAM. Everything into the life support. Turn off everything I don’t need and rest to minimum.” She turned off the flashlight, comm and movement detector. 

“Your suit has energy for seven hours nine minutes and sixteen second in this temperature.”

“Let’s hope it’s enough.” She sat down; her legs ceased to serve properly. “If not... at least I’ll be with Talesia and our little one again. I was ready to die that day and I’m still...” The image of Lexi’s face showed before her eyes. “I’m sorry Lexi... I promise if I get out of here alive; I’ll let you be. I won’t bother you any further... SAM? Could you begin Pathfinder transfer to Cora from here?” 

“I’m afraid not. The vault is at lockdown and protected by energy shield that is jamming all communication and data transfer. It can be opened only from inside.”

“Fuck... SAM, if I die here... take Cora to the SAM node and make her the Pathfinder. She’ll know what to do next. I’m sure of it...” 

“As you wish.”

_Millions of stars are shining into the room. Her heart is aching from desire to kiss a woman before her. She steps closer. Their lips almost lock together.  
“Good night Sara...”_

“Good night Lexi...”


	10. Don't give up on me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... Since blackie said “pretty please” (yes, I’m talking about that “hate you” part :D ) I decided to give you another chapter today :)

“Pathfinder, I detect the cleansing cloud has almost cleared out. I would advise waiting longer but your life support will last only twenty six minutes and fifty seconds. Although remaining gas in the air could hurt your lungs.” Sara woke up in the intense pain. Her whole body was freezing. She tried to get up but her legs didn’t allow it. She tried again and again and again since she managed to stand. 

“Okay SAM, help me with the door.” The vault was darker than before, there were also no flowers or bots. Only little clouds of the red smoke were floating in the air. SAM wasn’t kidding about her lungs; she could feel tweaking in her throat that forced her to cough even through the helmet filter. “SAM, what is this?”

“A residual particles of the cleansing cloud are still in the air. They slowly decay everything they touch. I suggest less speaking and breathing and more moving.” 

“Right...”

\--------------------------------------------  
“There must be some way to open it!” Liam shouted and kicked main door to the vault. “We’re here for hours!”

“I know Liam. Wish I had SAM but he’s locked down there in Sara’s head.” Cora sighted and turned off the scanner. “The only thing we know for sure is that she’s not dead. If she was, SAM would go online and transferred to me. “

“That’s not an option. She must get out of there alive...” Lexi was standing before the door, staring at them like she could force them to open. She even tried biotics before but it didn’t left a scratch on the metal construction. 

“There in no way around. The only path we can take is through the locked door.” Peebee’s voice sounded through the comm and Nomad appeared few seconds later. Asari walked out and joined rest of the rescue team. 

“Her life support must be very low by now. If she won’t come back soon, we lost her.” Cora looked at Lexi but the asari didn’t respond. 

“Just open dammit...” She was clutching a small cross firmly in hand. “Open...” It was like a magic word. With loud noise the door slid to the sides and she started to run. Liam and Cora were at Sara’s side first, helping her up to the feet. Her helmet was down, the blood was slowly pouring out of her ears and nose and part of her face looked like burned. 

“Sara! Thank the goddess...” Lexi carefully grabbed Ryder’s head in her hands and forced her to look up. “Sara, can you hear me?” 

“Lexi...” Sara couldn’t say anything else because she coughed out a lot of blood. “Lexi I... I’m so sorry...” Lexi felt single tear fall down on her cheek. With that Sara blacked out.

“Sara... Sara! Get her to the Nomad! Now!” She felt her body shaking with fear but it didn’t matter. She ran to the vehicle and prepared back seats. “Put her here, I’ll start the treatment.” The time felt slower and faster at once. The Nomad felt too slow, her hands wasn’t fast enough either. Even when she did everything she could in the Nomad, it felt like not enough.

“Doctor T’Perro, Pathfinders vital signs are fading.” She knew. That was the fast part of the time. She could feel Sara leaving her somewhere she couldn’t follow. 

“Please, stay with me...” Lexi placed a kiss at Sara’s forehead and closed her eyes. She couldn’t lose her. Not now. When she looked up again she noticed Peebee staring at her, eyes wide open with stony face.

“We’re almost at the Tempest.” Cora started to slow so they could get on board.

“Tell Kallo to set course to the Nexus. I think my medical supplies will barely be enough for the journey...” 

\-------------------------------------------------  
“I don’t know Harry. I didn’t sign up for this.” Lexi? Sara could hear her voice. There were also other voices but she was the closest one. “She almost died on my watch.”

“It’s not your fault. I read the report. Ryders are stubborn ones. She got this from her father.” Harry. Were they on the Nexus? She was out for that long? 

“Yes I know. But now we have one Ryder dead and two in the coma...” She heard Lexi’s voice broke down as she spoke. No! She wasn’t in the coma! Or...

“What’s really bothering you? You’re pale, you don’t eat or sleep.” Why? Sara knew she was in bad shape when she left the vault but she was patient. Just another patient.

“I want to know she’s okay Harry. I don’t want to lose another Ryder.” Her voice was shaking. This was no professional. There was long silence.

“You love her.” Sara’s heart started to beat faster. Lexi? Love her? What was Harry thinking. 

“What? No!” There we go. “I... maybe. Yes...” Sara’s stomach knotted. Lexi... loved her? 

“I can see it. You never looked on anyone like this. Not even Tashya and you were together for years.” Tashya? Who’s Tashya? Lexi chuckled.

“She was a hot head. She shouted at me. A lot. Harry... No one has to know. Not even Sara.” Too late for that, Sara thought. “Doctors can’t date their patients. There’s protocol.”

“Does she love you too?” _Yes! All damn yeses!_ Sara would shout if she could.

“I... I think so. She almost kissed me once.” Asari’s voice softened Sara could hear the smile behind it even when she couldn’t see it. 

“Did you think about keeping it hidden?” Harry asked curiously. 

“Like a secret relationship?” _Well that’s an idea! Harry, you’re genius!_ “No. I mean... I couldn’t. It’s bad enough as it is. It’s better when I keep my distance.” 

“For who?” _Yea, for who?!_ It felt like Harry was asking her questions.

“For both of us. I clearly can’t think about her only as a patient anymore I know that. But that doesn’t mean I should be pressing line any further.” 

“Lexi, you deserve to be happy. I’ve never met nicer people than she and you. You’re almost perfect for each other. Love is worth overcoming a few obstacles. Or the secrecy if it’s required.” 

“Harry don’t... I need to be on the Tempest. I’d go mad if I wouldn’t. Certainly I would be kicked out if they’d find out that we were lovers. I need to be there for her.” Sara felt so happy and also empty in that moment. The woman she loved loves her back. It was more than she could hope for. She found love in the Andromeda. But there always had to be complications...

“You should get some food and sleep. I’ll watch out for both of them.”

“Okay. Thank you Harry.” Sara heard movement and sound of the door closing. Silence surrounded her for a while before Harry spoke again.

“She was so into the conversation that she didn’t notice your heart beat increasing. But I did and I know you regained conciseness even when connected to the tubes. Sara, please, don’t give up on her.”


	11. On the edge

Sara was out for more than month since Lexi and Harry had their conversation. Thought of Sara in the coma was slowly giving her deep depression. She spent last few evenings in Vortex drinking wine and thinking about what could be if she wasn’t the Tempest doctor. 

“C’mon Lexi, don’t be stupid. She’d tell you the same thing as everyone else if she knew you better...” Lexi spoke silently to herself while playing with the glass in her hands; almost empty bottle before her. “Damn relationships and feelings...” She took another big gulp from the glass when her com sounded. 

“Hey doc. If you finished your drinking you’ve been practicing for last few days, the Pathfinder’s up.” Gil’s voice caused that Lexi almost spitted the wine and got on her feet. A bartender shouted something about paying but Lexi didn’t care. She ran to the tram and cursed it for being so slow. She wanted to be there when Sara wake up. She wanted to be the first person she’d see. It was already too late for that now. “Sara...” Lexi started when she walked into the med bay but was interrupted by other voice. 

“It was reckless and stupid! We can’t afford to have our only Pathfinder out for another two months!” Addison and Tann were standing before the bed where was sitting still weak Sara leaning on Gil’s shoulder. Addison was almost shouting at her. 

“But colony on Voeld is stable, no?” Sara’s voice was raspy and did not sound like her at all. Her eyes were red and scar on her nose and cheek that caused breathing in the vault was still not healed. 

“Yes but what can we grow on Voeld?! We need grass land! We-“

“That’s enough. You can continue this debate later when she’s on her feet again but now she still need to rest.” Lexi’s voice was firm and deep. They all looked to the door where she was standing. 

“But we need to discuss-“Addison wanted to continue but Lexi didn’t let her.

“You two. Out. Now.” 

“Whatever is best for our hope for life in this galaxy.” Tann said and passed next to her without even looking at her. Addison gave her angry glance and left too. Sara let out anguished sound. 

“Yea. No pressure. I could handle it Lexi.” Sara looked at the asari but her sight was still a bit fuzzy. Her eyes were getting better with every minute thanks to the advanced medicine but it was still slow process. She knew that blue woman came to her and then saw orange light. “Scanner. Why does it always have to be scanner.” 

“Because I won’t risk poking you with needle so your finger could bleed out again.” Both women laughed when they remembered but then Lexi’s smile faded. “You lost a lot of blood. Your lungs were heavily damaged as well as some of your inner organs. And I’m not even talking about your nasal cavity. You’ll have that scar for the rest of your life.”

“But it’s getting better, right? And don’t worry about scars, I have plenty of those.” Sara grinned and then coughed. “Gil, could you leave us, please?” Gil looked at her with fear in his eyes. “I’m okay. Go.” He gave Sara’s hand on asari’s shoulders when she sat next to her and left. They were just sitting in silence for a while before Sara finally spoke. “I want to get out. Feel the air.”

“You’re not ready for this.”

“I am. Help me, please.” Lexi reluctantly stood up and helped Sara on her feet. They slowly walked to the tram; Sara still leaning against doctor’s shoulders. 

“I still think this is stupid, but since we’re going... I have an idea.” Lexi smiled and changed tram’s destination. 

“Where are we going? I can barely see so reading isn’t an option.” Sara smiled and curiously squinted at the board. 

“Let it be a surprise then. I wandered there when I drank a bottle of wine yesterday and pressed a wrong button.” Lexi chuckled.

“Bottle of wine? You? I find difficult to believe that.” Sara was skeptical. Lexi and alcohol? That wasn’t good. 

“I can imagine. We’re here, c’mon.” She picked up Ryder from the bench. 

“I can’t hear any people. Are we still on the Nexus?”

“Yes. The thing is this part won’t open until next week. Your eyes should get better in next twenty minutes, to stage that you’ll see more again. Thank the goddess the medicine is so advanced. If not, you’d see like this for the rest of your life.” They sat on something that looked like a bench surrounded by plants.

“Well, I guess I’m just lucky. Lucky to have such an amazing doctor.” Sara smiled and remembered the promise she gave herself in depths of the dark vault. 

“Sara...” Lexi knew where human was going. She wanted to go there too but that wasn’t possible. 

“Wait, let me speak.” Sara cleared her throat. This was like speaking to Taleshia’s photo. It was hard but she knew she have to do it. “I know you asked Cora about me. She told me. But there are things even Cora doesn’t know. Things, that was only for Scott’s ears.” Sara pulled her hand from Lexi’s shoulders and catched the bench. “You don’t know a lot about me as well as me about you. I was in love. With an asari. Long time ago... I thought I’d never find love again. But I did. I... I love you.” Lexi felt her heart beating with enormous speed; her body shaking. She wanted to kiss the other woman. She wanted it so much. She saw Sara closing her eyes. “I woke up when you and Harry were talking. I heard everything. I know my feelings are not one-sided.” She heard... It went out of control. Lexi didn’t like when something was out of her control.”And I also heard your reasons why not. And... I accept them.” It felt like knife into her heart. It was right of course. But great part of her wanted what Harry was talking about. Overcoming or tearing down the obstacles. “I promised myself in that vault that if I survive, I won’t bother you any further. And I’m gonna keep that promise.” 

Lexi wanted to say something but she couldn’t find the right words. Instead, she watched devastated Sara with her scars, both physical and emotional. Human’s eyes were still closed, face turned ahead. There was only one thing Lexi could do. It wasn’t right but she couldn’t help herself. She carefully touched Pathfinders face and turned it to her. Sara opened her eyes. She could almost see by now. Asari’s deep blue skin, her hazel eyes, dark lips with the white line on them. And then it happened. Lexi kissed her. It was even better than Sara imagined. Her lips were so warm and soft that they immediately issued electric signals to her whole body. She kissed her back passionately, desire growing deep inside her. They didn’t know how long they were sitting there, just kissing one another, but it felt like centuries. When they finally torn apart; Sara could see both desire and pain in Lexi’s eyes. 

“We shouldn’t...” Asari sighted and looked away. “This could make a lot of problems for both of us. You’re the Pathfinder and I-“ Sara put finger on her lips in the same gesture as Lexi when they almost kissed for the first time and turned her face back. 

“I don’t care. I love you.” Tears began roll down on Lexi’s cheeks when she heard the sincerity in Sara’s words. 

“I... I love you too...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jump to emotional train in 3, 2, 1...


	12. I want to know you better

They stayed on the Nexus for another month since Sara fully recovered. She didn’t talk with Lexi much because she slept through almost whole first two weeks and then they both had their responsibilities. All so called “leaders” on the Nexus used the situation and were constantly sending her fixing their mess on the station. Tann most of all. 

“No Ryder. I need you to take care of this personally. We can’t afford another riot.” Sara sighted. Her dealing with protesters wasn’t good idea. She was never much of a people person. 

“Okay Tann, have it your way. I’ll look into it but I still think it’s bad idea.” She crossed her hands and gave him an angry glance.

“Thank you Ryder. That’s all for now.” Sara rolled her eyes and almost ran out of his office. 

“Having a bad day?” Sara stopped and smiled even before turning around. She knew that voice. Lexi was standing next to the door to Tann’s office. “I haven’t seen you for some time. Controls at med bay are not counting. And I want to talk to you.” 

“Okay. Shoot.” Sara laughed and walked closer to her.

“Not here.” Lexi smiled and shook her head. She was nervous, Sara could tell even without being psychologist. They walked silently to the tram and then somewhere where Sara knew it.

“Apartments? You have an apartment on the Nexus?” 

“Of course. Or do you think I was returning to sleep at Tempest for whole three months?” Lexi laughed and opened door. 

“Just be careful not to run into Peebee. She lives two doors next to you.” Asari’s smile stiffened.

“Really? You were at her place?” 

“Yep.” They walked in and Sara started to look around. The apartment had the same layout as Peebee’s but it looked completely different. The furniture was from light colored wood, decorations and lamps were perfectly fitting to their places and the most different thing, everything was clean. “But yours is better.” She smiled and looked at Lexi. 

“Sara I wanted to talk to you. About us. About consequences. About Peebee... I don’t know what I’m doing right now and I’m so confused you can’t even imagine. I want to know you, be with you but that would go against every doctor-patient protocol that exists. And against my own rules...” Lexi sat down on the bed. “Besides... I’m afraid it’ll end like with all of my exes.” 

Sara was standing before her, thoughts running in circles inside her head. She realised Lexi was avoiding her since they made confession about their feelings. Even if they both had time, she just smiled at her and had something more important at the moment. “What happened with your exes? You’re talking about them like it was all the same.”

“It almost was. They all told me something similar... Let’s say I’m not good in balancing professional and personal life. Only Tashya was different. She was an asari commando, one of the best. She left me for another woman. Some scientist called Weshra. 

“Weshra? I don’t know any Tashya but I met Weshra Porae on the Citadel. Many times actually. She and Talesia were good friends.”

“Wonderful. Now we found out that you know girlfriend of my- wait. She even took her last name?” Lexi sighted and put head into her palms. 

“How long have you two been together?” Sara was curios. Lexi never opened about her personal life before. 

“Twenty two years. We broke up nine years before I signed up for the Initiative. I got break from relationships since then.” 

“Holly shit... um, I mean. Twenty two years? Whoa... that’s long time.” Sara tried to calm down. How could she compare to relationship like this? She knew Lexi for how long? Ten months? Well, it was almost as long as she knew Talesia and they were long pass this phase of relationship by then. 

“It seems like long time but it felt only like a moment. She was most of the time gone on missions.” Lexi felt her body shaking. She never talked about this with anyone except Harry.

“Right... Time can be deceiving sometimes.” Sara kneeled before her and put hands on asari’s knees. Lexi looked into her blue eyes. They were calm and beautiful like the ocean. She could easily drown in them. “Now... what did you say about Peebee? Why do we have deal with Peebee?” 

“I know you two spend night together...”

“We did. Wait, you mean like...” Sara started to laugh really loud. “Almost. I was devastated when you told me that I’m not your type, so I started drinking. A lot. We got here, she got hand to my pants but I stopped her. Then we talked and drunk again. That’s the short version.” Lexi was still looking in Sara’s honest eyes when human got her out of guard. “There is only one asari I want to spend night with.” 

“Sara I... I’d love to. But I can’t. I’m not ready to... It’s different for the asari. It’s more intimate then for other species. It’s not just physical act and-” Sara placed soft kiss on her lips to shut her down.

“Calm down. I know how intimate can asari sex be and I don’t want you to meld with me right here and now. I just want to feel you...” Their faces were only inches apart. Lexi was looking into Sara’s eyes and couldn’t believe what she just heard. 

“You... experienced asari melding?” Lexi whispered; she didn’t know exactly why.

“Yes. And not only that. She... she took my genetic information.” Asari felt tears in her eyes. This is what Cora didn’t know. The thing for Scott’s ears only. 

“She was pregnant when...” Her voice broke down. She couldn’t believe this young woman before her voluntarily gave her genetic code to create a new life. “How old were you?”

“Nineteen.” 

_Her eyes are closed; body pressed on other woman. She feels empty and whole, weak and strong. Their minds and personalities are one._

“What was that? Your eyes changed to white!” Lexi was scared; she never saw anything like this.

“Only a memory fragment. I’m okay.” Sara smiled and leaned over her. “But I don’t want to talk about this right now.” She slowly placed Lexi on the bed. Sara needed her. She needed to fill the empty hole in her heart, she needed to kiss her, touch her, feel her. 

Lexi could feel desire growing in her. She wanted to, she wanted to do it. But...

“Sara it’s not that easy for me. My mind is weak at this point; I won’t be able to stop it. I’m not an exemplar asari in this...” 

“You will. I believe in you. And even if not... you have nothing to fear. Promise.” Lexi couldn’t hold it any longer. She grabbed Sara’s head and locked their lips in passionate kiss. It took Sara by surprise but she adapted quickly. One of Sara’s hands held asari in place while the other found little zip on her uniform. She slid it down while they were still kissing and Lexi gasped when Ryder’s cold fingers touched bare skin on her hips and stomach. She moaned when Sara left her lips and placed another kiss to her neck; slowly sliding to her chest. 

It was like a dream to her. She felt her mind reaching to Sara’s and tried to stop it before it could happen. She managed to hold it but even then she touched the surface of Sara’s emotions and feelings. It send shivering to her whole body. 

“Sara... please...” She didn’t even know if she begged her to stop or continue, but other woman certainly didn’t stop. Instead Sara slowly pulled down upper part of her uniform and left her only in her bra and black leggings. She moaned again when Sara started to place trials of kisses on her breasts and then down her stomach. She bent her back when she felt Sara’s lips on the lower abdomen and slowly went downward; taking her leggings and paties with her.

Another touch to Sara’s mind. Ryder could feel it; the pressure in her head was growing and headache started taking over. I didn’t matter, she wanted to finish this. With that thought she slid her tongue to Lexi’s core. The taste was similar to what she remembered, much sweeter than the human women. Lexi gasped for air and placed one of her hands on Sara’s head.

It felt so good. Sara was obviously skilled and knew exactly what she has to do to bring Lexi on the edge. It took only few minutes before waves of sensation flooded her body. 

“Pathfinder we have an emergency at the docks. Come here ASAP.” Kandros’ voice sounded through the comm. 

“Shit I hate those guys...” Sara murmured against Lexi’s thigh. There was moment of silence and then both women started to laugh. 

“He’s lucky he didn’t call few seconds ago. I’d fix his emergency by throwing him into space.” Lexi smiled and pulled Sara up; placing gentle kiss on her lips.

“Isn’t that against your medical protocol, Doctor T’Perro?” Sara chuckled and laid closer to her. Lexi smiled and looked deep into human’s blue eyes.

“Protocols be dammed...” Lexi said and placed another long kiss on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... who found a connection to the original Mass Effect trilogy?


	13. No, just no

It turned out that Kandros‘emergency were angry protestors that Tann send her after before. The situation was bad, but Sara managed to figure it out.

“You released hundred people out of stasis and send them to Eos and Voeld? Now I don’t know if that’s brave or stupid.”

“What should I do Drack? Let it be like Tann and Addison? No, I’m not like this.”

"It’s risky anyway. We don’t have enough supplies to feed so many people." 

“Give her a break Vetra. She made her decision and you won’t change that. I’m more curious how your t-shirt turned inside out.” Gil grinned and Sara quickly touched her chest. He was right. 

“I… You… Don’t tell me that never happened to you!” Sara defended herself and turned to colour of cherry. 

“In the morning, yeah. But in the middle of the day? No, never.” 

“Shut up.” She whispered.

“Someone got laid, huh?”

“Shut up, Gil.” She said louder this time. 

“Oh, c’mon Ryder. It’s supposed to relax you, not to stress you out.” Drack laughed with Gil and punched her playfully. 

“Uh… come with me.” Sara grabbed Gil’s hand and took him into empty bio lab.

“SAM, the door.” Door closed and locked. 

“So? Who? Peebee? Or that asari reporter you got your eyes on? What’s her name? Teri?”

“Keri. And no, it wasn’t her.”

“So you and Peebee finished what you started?” Gil smiled victoriously.

“No.”

“No? Um... that blue bartender at Vortex you’ve been giving ingredients?”

“No.”

“Someone I don’t know?” 

“No.”

“But that’s… wait.” He looked at her incredulously. Sara giggled. “Oh no, no, no, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that sound. You got your hands on the doctor?” She leaned her face to his and whispered. 

“I can still feel her on my tongue.” She laughed and breathed at him.

“Ugh! Ryder, that’s disgusting! I still don’t understand how you can do this with your mouth. It’s so messy!” 

“Likewise.” Sara said with disgusted face. 

“Still. You and Lexi? Together? It the bed?”

“Hey! Could you… Could you be more quiet, please?! It’s a secret!” 

“Yeah, you’re hiding it very well with your reverse t-shirt.” Sara sighted angrily. 

“Look Gil… If this thing blows up, it blows right into our faces. She’ll lose her job as a doctor, permanently, and will be kicked out of the Tempest and I’ll be under constant control.” She was whispering so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. 

“okay, okay, I get it. That’d be bad. First friendly advice? Next time you have sex, control you clothes better.”

“Fine. But seriously Gil. No one has to know.” Woman’s face was serious this time. 

“Hey, I won’t tell anyone.” Gil smiled and winked at her. “I’m glad you’re happy.” 

“Thanks. I’s been long time since I was truly happy. I want to enjoy this, even if it has to be secret.” She came closer to him and hugged him. 

“Come here. Just… don’t breathe at me again, would yea?” 

“Sara? You have missed vidcall from Evfra.” Coras voice sounded through comm.

“Shit. I totally forgot about that guy when we were on the Nexus. SAM, unlock the door.”

It was long talk. She earned Evfra’s trust enough to get permission to rescue operation to save the Moshae, but not without telling him about SAM. It was uneasy feeling to talk about something so personal for her with an alien.

“And where do they hold her?” Sara asked curiously.

“Secret kett facility on Voeld.” Voeld. That wasn’t good. Returning to planet where she almost died wasn’t on her recent plan. Not with Lexi waiting in her quarters. 

“Understood. Ryder out.” She grabbed the console and closed her eyes when Evfra disappeared. Voeld. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Hey there.” Sara climbed in her bed and placed soft kiss on Lexi’s cheek. Asari was lying naked in the blankets, resting after they finished what they started before Kandros interrupted her in her apartment. “Did I wake you?”

“Hey. No, I was up before you walked in. Where were you?” She asked and snuggled into Pathfinder’s embrace. 

“Talking to Drack, Vetra and Gil about our situation, got vidcall from Evfra, preparing my equipment for extreme conditions. You know, the usual stuff…” She hoped it’ll be enough to satisfy Lexi’s curiosity, but that wouldn’t be Lexi. 

“Really? So he finally admitted you’re on his side?” 

“Something like that. He’s sending me with his team to rescue their Moshae. She’s very important figure in their society, some kind of scientist and spiritual leader in one. Kett are holding her at highly secured facility.” Sara knew where this was coming and pulled Lexi closer so she could enjoy the last minutes of silence and peace. 

“Oh? And where is that? You talked about extreme conditions. Don’t tell me I’d have to unfreeze you again.” Lexi laughed. She took it as a joke. Ryder inhaled and tried to sound calm.

“You might.” Lexi pulled away and looked into Sara’s eyes.

“Sara… Where is that facility?” There was no response for very long time. “Sara?” 

“Okay! It’s not my fault it’s on Voeld!” Lexi stiffened. “No way you’re going there. I won’t resuscitate you again.”

“You won’t have to. I’m not going into vault this time. And I’m not going alone. Jaal and Drack are going with me.” She tried to smile at her but asari didn’t want to. Memory of their last mission on Voeld was still fresh and idea of Sara going back was unbearable. She couldn’t lose her. Not after what happened between them. 

“Hey. I’ll be okay.” Lexi woke up from her trans; feeling Sara’s hand on her cheek. 

“It’s just… I don’t want to loose you. Not you. Not again…” 

“You won’t. I promise. But now, we have eleven hours before we reach the planet. What’ll we do with them?” Sara grinned and pulled Lexi closer, but she wasn’t in the mood anymore.

“Just be here. With me…” 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay guys. We drive to the angaran base, find the team and fly to the kett facility. Take with you any gun you have, I think we’ll need a lot of bullets.” Sara was suited up for action and climbed to the Nomad. Lexi was standing with Drack few meters from her, talking about something she couldn’t hear. Than Drack smiled and hugged the doctor before leaving.

Sara didn’t mind they had to keep their relationship hidden, it was the only way. It was moments like this what totally sucked. Moments when she was leaving Lexi behind on the ship, knowing there is tiny possibility she’s not coming back alive and she couldn’t even hug or kiss her goodbye. 

“Hold on down there.” Gil walked to her seat and gave her keys. “And don’t worry. She knows what she means to you.” 

“I know she does. But this isn’t fair.” 

“Nothing’s ever fair. Take care.” With that Tempest ramp opened, Nomad closed and drove out to the cold.


	14. Even saints make mistakes

Lexi didn’t like idea of Sara back on Voeld. She was nervous even when Drack promised to keep an eye on her. 

“SAM?” 

“Yes, Doctor T’Perro.” 

“Please, give me updates about Pathfinders vital signs.” 

“I detect some kind of energy shield around the facility, I won’t be able to send you any information when she’s past it.”

“Damm it!” Lexi held Sara’s pendant in the hand. She didn’t tell her she found it, even when she knew it’d be good to give it back. It was still something that reminded her about woman she loved, when she was in the vault on Voeld, in the hospital on Nexus, now back on that cursed ice planet. Her life was in immediate danger every time she left Tempest and Lexi felt like a fool just sitting at the med bay and waiting. 

“Tell me it wasn’t you.” Lexi turned around and quickly hid pendant in her pocket. On the edge of the door stood Peebee with hands on her hips. “Tell me it wasn’t you who broke Ryder’s heart few months back on the Nexus. Tell me she didn’t drink eight krogan drinks because of you.”

“I don’t kno-“ Lexi started but Peebee didn’t let her finish.

“Tell me it wasn’t you! Yes or no, simple as that.” The older asari was silent. Peebee stared at her with wide eyes. “You little fussing bitch…” 

“Peebee, calm down…” Doctor stood up and faced the younger one. 

“I didn’t know who Ryder talked about that night, but when I saw you when she was injured, I got it. It was so simple, right infront of me. You can’t reject someone and then kiss him, get your shit together woman! She even rejected me! Not that I care much, she’s nice and beautiful and so soft in certain places but- ”

“Shut it.” Lexi knew Sara and Peebee almost slept together and that Peebee got hands on her lover’s intimate parts, but hearing her talk about it made her mad. She felt her biotics getting out of hand.

“Look, Matriarch, I even started to like you. But stop messing with Sara’s heart. She’s a good girl and deserve someone who truly cares about her, who shows emotion and is truly open to her, not some hidebound professional.”

“Someone like you…?” Lexi’s voice was quiet. What if was Peebee right? What if she couldn’t give Sara what she truly needed? 

“Yeah, maybe. Thing is, we’re all just experiments to you, her included. Get your hands and everything else off her.” Lexi couldn’t hold herself anymore. Her hand shot out, glowing with biotics and smashed Peebee on the wall. Peebee tried to get out but Lexi was too strong for her. 

“Don’t even try. I grew up on Omega I know how to hold on krogan as well as asari Eclipse merc, you’re not a problem. To be clear, you know nothing about me, nothing about her and nothing about us. You know nothing about how I feel about the crew and Sara.” Asari’s voice was cold and empty. It took a while before she realised what she was doing. Biotics started to fade away and Peebee fell on the ground; gasping for air. 

“You’re strong, I give you that.” Younger asari stood up and looked into Lexi’s sad eyes. “Maybe you care more than I think, but that doesn’t change my statement about Sara. Keep away from her.” Lexi wanted to tell her how much Sara meant to her, how much she cared and how much she loved human woman, but that wouldn’t be wise, not to Peebee. Instead, the two asari stood there quietly and stared at each other. “Stay away from her.” With those words Peebee left Lexi alone at the med bay. She fainted on one of the beds. This was exactly what she was afraid of. This was why she wanted to be only professional. She was glad they managed to start relationship with Sara but it was also very stressful. 

“Hey, doc, you okay? I heard some noise from here.” It was Gil. Doors were still open so he walked right in. “I was in the galley when I heard the blow.” Lexi didn’t answer. “Doc?”

“What?” Lexi looked up with watery eyes. 

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t worry, she’s coming back alright.” Gil smiled at her and put hands on her shoulders.

“It’s not about that.” She whispered.

“Sooo… It was about Peebee raging out of here. I hoped it wasn’t.” Gil sighted. “It’s okay. I know.”

“You.. know?” Lexi was confused. She and Sara agreed not to tell anyone about their relationship, could be possible he talked about something else?

“I know about you two. Sara told me. Or, I kinda forced her to tell me.” He smiled more than before.

“Oh really? And who else on this ship know about us?! First Peebee and now you?!” Lexi jumped out of bed and rage was taking over her again. She’ll discuss this with Sara later and it won’t be pleasant to her. 

“Cool down. She didn’t tell Peebee, I’m sure about it. If I haven’t guess I wouldn’t know too. And I’m her best friend!” Lexi sighted and sat on the chair. “I’m just saying it could help to tell anyone. Someone you trust with your life. Do you have someone like that?”

“Gil I… Yes. Thank you. Now go, please.” He wanted to leave but then something got his attention. He bent down and picked up something from the ground.

“That’s Sara’s pendant.” He turned around and looked at her. Asari’s face was turned down. “How it got here? It couldn’t get here on the floor.” He frowned. “You had it, didn’t you?”

“Yes. I found it after she left for Voeld for the first time.” Lexi was ashamed. Sara was her lover; she shouldn’t keep it from her.

“She was devastated when she found out she lost it. You don’t know who gave it to her, right?”

“No…”

“It was gift from Taleshia when they became bond mates and started family. It was meant for their child after Sara dies. It’s an ankh, part of greatest human mythology. Egyptian symbol of life. Eternal life. Sara would still live with her daughter through this. Do you even know what happened back in the Milky Way? Did she tell you?” 

“I only know she died three years before initiative and Sara told me she took her genetic code. Nothing more…” Lexi sighted and looked at the cross in Gil’s hand. “Would you give it to her? Tell her what I did…”

“No.” He took her hand and embarked pendant into it. “You give it back to her. And hope she won’t kill you. I thought more about you, doctor. She was so happy when you finally said yes.” She watched his back when he left. Asari stood up and walked to the Pathfinder’s quarters. Lexi knew she messed up. Almost three hundred years and she still acted like a child when it came to relationships. 

“I’m sorry, Sara…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on vacation, but I won't let you down, so here's another short chapter ;)


	15. What if...?

“You’re back!” Lexi ran to the rescue team that boarded Tempest. They were all covered in blood and Sara had a little fracture on her head. They were holding the Moshae with Jaal. Whole crew of the ship was down there, except Kallo and Suvi who stayed on the bridge. Lexi ran to Sara’s side and touched her injured forehead with careful touch. She didn’t really care everybody was there, she was a doctor and had to keep the Pathfinder alive. “You’re hurt. What happened?” Lexi whispered very quietly.

“Just few Fiends and a lot of kett, I’m fine.” Sara whispered back and smiled at her; resisting the strong urge to kiss her. “She’s the one who needs help. Her immune system is down and she didn’t sleep for many days. I’ll tell you details of what we saw later, or maybe they will. Jaal, take her with Lexi to med bay, I’ll come by in moment.“ Jaal nodded and Left with asari. She glanced up only for second to see Gil’s and Peebee’s face both staring down at her. She felt nervousness building up in her. They both wanted from her something that would end up setting her and Sara apart. Anyway, she had to put everything aside right now. Moshae was in bad shape and she had to do her job right. 

\-----------------------------------------------  
“I’m sorry we fought. What we saw will set our cause on fire.” Jaal was standing next to Moahe’s bed. Lexi ran some last scanners to assure angaran woman was alright and looked at Sara when she entered. 

“Yes. My broken heart can’t even process it.” They hugged when Lexi was awkwardly standing next to them. Sara knew this wasn’t her strongest side when she had to be just a doctor so she turned to her.

“Lexi, can you give us a minute?” Asari didn’t like it. She wanted to take care of Sara’s forehead and finally hear what happened from her, not the angara. She took a deep breath and answered.

“Sure thing. But go gentle - she’s in fragile state.” With that Lexi took some disinfection and plasters and left. Ryder knew she won’t run from her doctor hands for long and had to smile. 

“Did she just call me frail?” Moshae asked and Sara had to smile even more than before. 

“Fragile.” Their conversation after was not as simple as Sara wanted. Deciding not to destroy kett facility but save the captured angara made Moshae angry, but she decided to cooperate anyway. 

“I’m ready to answer any other questions for you pathfinder. Anytime.” Sara nodded and left the med bay. She didn’t know where Lexi vent but there wasn’t too many options. Firs she looked into her own quarters where were already lying some Lexi’s things from past nights but asari wasn’t there. Sara wanted to walk past galley but the blue colour got her eye. She made few steps back and walked in. Lexi was sitting on the bench with cup of something that looked like tea and was looking into datapad; disinfection and plaster were lying on the table next to her. 

“Hey, you wanted to look at my head?” Sara laughed and came really close to her. “Don’t worry, my brain is okay, no signs of madness.”

“Really? I don’t think so, you were mad since first time I met you. I can only make it spread slower.” Sara laughed again and placed a kiss on asari’s lips. She was so glad they were finally alone and shouldn’t play anything. “Come here, sit. I’ll take care of it.” Ryder did what she wanted and sat down. 

“Owch! It stings!” Sara twitched and pulled doctors hand down. Lexi didn’t care and touched her again.

“Hold still, don’t be such a baby.” Lexi frowned and stuck plaster on Sara’s forehead. 

“Oh, this is embarrassing. I look like a child who crushed on the little motorbike.” Sra said when she looked at the shiny surface of the kitchen cabinet.

“If you’re done I’ll go.” Lexi closed her eyes and stood up. Sara managed to catch her hand before she left. Something was off. Ryder shouldn’t say anything for Lexi to know why she stopped her. “It’s nothing, I’m just tired.”

“You don’t look just tired. What’s bothering you?” Sara stood up too and pulled hands around other woman’s waist. The pendant in her pocket felt like it was burning. 

“It’s nothing, really.” Lexi tried to smile but Sara didn’t buy it. “I have to go to Moshae.” Sara knew when it came to professionalism she couldn’t do anything, only nod and let her go. 

“Will you come tonight?” She only asked before asari left. Lexi stopped.

“Not tonight. I need to take care of some things.” Sara stood for a while in the galley and then left for her quarters. On her computer blinked incoming mail. She sat on the chair and relaxed. She had to smile when she saw mail caption.

_Can we talk? (on camera)_

_Hello, Ryder,_

_The things I’m hearing; a garden world? A whole new species? If you can talk on the record, you know where to find me!_

_Keri_

She liked Keri, they flirted during her reportages and when camera was off; before Lexi opened up and agreed to a relationship. She was beautiful, cute, nice and they both liked one similar thing - the sea. They both loved the sea before they left Milky Way and it was something that bonded them. She replied on her message.

_Can we walk? (off camera)_

_Hello, Keri,_

_I’ll answer everything about Aya and angara that is not classified. What about then? What about walk around new part on the Nexus? Let me know soon, I’m sending course for Nexus._

_Sara_

\-----------------------------------------------  
“I’m fine, doctor. Go get some sleep.” Moshae spoke to Lexi who was still sitting at her desk, running through angaran physiology. 

“Thank you, but I’ll rather stay here.” Lexi couldn’t sleep even if she wanted. Thoughts in her mind were running faster than she could process and work was the only thing that could calm her a bit.

“You are confused. And hurt. I can feel it in your energy.” Moshae spoke again. Lexi closed her eyes and cursed this secret power the angara had in them. 

“I’m fine.” Was the only thing that she got out of herself with her professional attitude. Moshae didn’t move but didn’t give her space.

“You and the Pathfinder. There is strong bond between you two. But also... how did you call me? Fragile? Yes. It’s fragile. It’s not built on anything solid.” 

“I told you, I’m fine.” Asari’s voice was colder now, but Moshae was persistent.

“You are not. Your energy is trembling from hiding and holding feelings. You should let go.”

“I know you’re respected and wise figure in your society, but you’re still almost two hundred years younger than me and have nothing to do with what’s going on this ship. So please, stop lecturing me and rest.” Moshae smiled. 

“Age does not determine maturity as well as race does not determine the character. And what is going on this ship is everybody’s business; because you are our best hope to defeat the kett.” Lexi knew the Moshae was right. She should tell Sara about what happened with Peebee and Gil, the sooner the better. She was stupid not to do it immediately after they returned. 

“Excuse me.” Lexi left med bay before Moshae could say anything. Door to the Pathfinder quarters were closed but not locked. She took a deep breath and stepped in. “Sara?” Light from the computer was the only thing shining in the room, but mostly on Ryder’s sleeping body in the chair. “No, don’t sleep. Please...” She kneeled to her with her courage fading. “Sara... I don’t know if I could get it out later...” The only response was a slight tremble of human’s body. Asari stood up and tried not to cry. 

There she was, woman she loved and she wasn’t able to make things right for her. Maybe Peebee was right. What if she couldn’t give Sara shat she needed...?


	16. Doc the drinker, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... I have a lot of work lately but don't worry, I havent forgotten about you :)

She felt like her heart was breaking into many little pieces. She sat at the Vortex, trying to get drunk. Her confidence about anything was gone; bottle of whisky was standing before her on the table, half empty. Her body and head was heavy, that meant it worked. 

Last night was bad. When Sara was asleep, she left for the meeting room and watched stars again. Everything felt so real and yet so dreamy. She was in relationship with twenty two years old woman who was the Pathfinder for whole Andromeda initiative, their only hope for settling this galaxy and making it livable. This girl, this young girl with unfulfilled dreams and so much pain in her was her lover. Her _lover_. It felt strange. She didn’t want to fall for anyone so soon .The truth was they didn’t know much about each other. How could she be so blind and get involved with her? Was it weakness of the moment that got her? Sara almost dying, taking care of her for so long, than sitting at the Nexus closed part. It was all so romantic and beautiful. She wanted to forget about the past back then, look to the future with someone who loves her. Goddes, she was so stupid... 

“Doc the drinker, I see.” Gil got her out of thoughts and set opposite her. “I assume you didn’t tell her yet, ‘cause if you would, she would tell me first." Lexi sighted.

“I wanted to last night. I grabbed all my courage and walked into her room. She was asleep.” Lexi took glass that was standing next to the bottle and emptied it. “Gil... Does she talk about me? Not sex or anything like this... I mean... I know she talks about everything with you.”

“Weeeell.... No, not really.” That was the only assurance she needed to break inside. The Moshae was right. They may have a bond but that bond was fragile like the glass before her. Gil watched her. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yes!” She said with her eyes wide open. Gil raised his eyebrows. “I... no.” 

“What is this about? You act like a little psycho.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m not really myself last months.” Lexi sighted and poured whisky to the glass. 

“And what if you are?” She glanced at him.

“Excuse me?”

“Maybe you’re yourself with her and you’re afraid of it.” Gil talked more to himself than to her. 

“I’m not talking about this. Not to you.” Lexi was cold despite an alcohol in her blood. “I’m the doctor here, don’t try to psychoanalyze me.”

“I’m not. I’m caring about my friend.” With those words Gil took her glass and drunk to the bottom; then stood up and left her alone again, only with her thoughts. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

„Sara! It’s so good to see you!“ Keri was standing near railing at the docks. “Free for an interview? I’d like to know more about the angara. It’s not often first contact go so smoothly.” She talked more but Sara already had a sentence on her tongue.

“I guessed you‘d ask about the angara. It’s a good reason to say hi.” Even when she knew Lexi would probably kill her if she heard it, she couldn’t help herself. Keri was so sweet. 

“That’s not... This is about history not you and...” Keri shuttered and her skin turned to darker shade of blue. 

“Me and...?” Sara enjoyed teasing her and had to chuckle. 

“I... I need to finish this. So, the angara.” Keri continued with her questions and Sara answered. Why the asari always had to be so professional? It felt like she would age hundred years before Keri stop asking all her questions. When they finally finished, asari looked at her with slight smile. “Camera off... You wrote me something about walk?” 

“I did. I know a place where you’ll like it. Promise.” Ryder smiled and started walking to the tram. Asari followed her. 

“Where are you taking me?” 

“Have you been at the new part of Nexus? It’s open for less than two months now.” Human said and walked out when tram stopped at their station.

“No. But I heard it’s beautiful.” 

“It is. I was there even before they opened it for public.” 

_She’s sitting on the bench with an asari woman; her hair floating in the wind.”I love you too...”_

She had to smile when that memory sparked through her head. She flirted with Keri because she liked her, but she would never push it any further. She did it also because no one will suspect her and Lexi if they’ll see her with the reporter. It was mostly about keeping her and Lexi safe, even if it meant to break Keri’s heart eventually. 

They walked around many people staring at them, talking to each other with simplicity she felt only with one person now when her brother was in coma and that was Gil. She enjoyed Keri’s company. Before she started to complicate things... 

“Look... camera off. I need to say something.” They walked to a corner of little square when nobody could hear them. “I feel like... you want to get closer to me than an interview.” And there it was, earlier than Sara expected. Before Lexi, maybe. But now... 

“I... I think I might. What about you?” She decided to play for now. 

“I want...” Keri sighted and looked Sara right into the eyes. “This isn’t right. It’s not ethical to date an interview subject.” Sara sighted with relief. She knew she could always count on asari professionalism. Keri wasn’t so different from Lexi in this. “But once documentary’s done, we could... get to know each other better.” Shit. This wasn’t what she expected. 

“What if... what if there’s someone else?” Keri looked confused at first, nobody ever saw Pathfinder with anyone, but then her expression softened.

“I wouldn’t interfere with your life. What happens with me stays with me.” Asari smiled and put hand on Sara’s chest. “But if you want to share your heart... I’d like that. Once the documentary’s finished.”

“I... you... I’ll think about it.” Sara tried to smile at her too. It seemed it was convincing. Keri wasn’t psychologist after all, it was easier to camouflage something. 

“Thank you. Just a couple more interviews and... let’s see what happens.” 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lexi was drunk. Drunk and broken. She was holding Sara’s pendant in her hand when train drowe through the Nexus to the place where everything started. Her thoughts were running to the young woman she loved and adored. The woman she knew so little about. The woman Lexi lied to. Single tear fell down on the metal floor. This wasn’t right. Through Nexus news sounded something about Pelessaria B'Sayle and the remnant technology, but her drunken brain couldn’t process it. She walked out of the train and headed to the bench where they were sitting with Sara. Before she could reach it, something caught her eye. 

“Sara...” She whispered and watched the Pathfinder standing with another asari in the corner of the square. She felt little cross sliding from her hand. Their bond was fragile indeed...


	17. Little cheater

“Sooo... we’re going on Kadara?” Vetra asked when they were on the bridge.

“Yep. We must find that relic, It’s our only chance. It’s a good lead but everything just got more complicated when we discovered that Vehn Terev gave Moshae to the kett."

“Nothing’s ever simple, right?” Vetra chuckled and patted Sara on the shoulder.

“Yeah.” Sara sighted and headed to her quarters. She jumped on the bed and tried to clear her head. This was a big discovery and she couldn’t mess it up. She took her datapad and checked on emails. It seemed like Gil send another part of his terrible poetry. She smiled on it when the door opened and someone walked in.

“I was wrong.” Lexi stood in the center of the Pathfinder quarters; looking out of window with cold eyes. Sara sat on the bed. She didn’t know what Lexi was talking about. She threw away datapad in her hands and walked to the asari, obscuring the view on the stars. Lexi was still staring into one place which was now Sara’s face, not looking at her but through her. 

“Lexi... what’s wrong...?” Ryder asked carefully and touched her arm. 

“I was wrong about you. I thought you were different. I wanted to believe it. But you’re the same as them. The same as Tashya.” 

“What are you talking about? What happened?” Thoughts were running through Sara’s head with speed of lighting. Asari was acting like an empty shell without emotions which was worse than if she was shouting, whatever reason. 

“I saw you. I saw you with her. I saw how she was looking at you.” Now Sara knew. Lexi must’ve seen her with Keri. What could she say?

“Lexi, that didn’t mean anything. We were just talking. Nothing more.” Sara tried but she knew she is a bad liar. 

“Talking that includes touching other person on the place where his heart is? When did you talk to me? We barely talk.” Lexi started to glow with blue energy but her face was still hollow. Sara didn’t know what to do. Everything felt bad in this moment. “I thought, after everything you experienced, you were different. I thought you would understand me. But you’re still just twenty two years old girl.” Sara felt her body freezing, she couldn’t move even if she wanted. Biotics were cutting to her body like knives, it hurt really badly. 

“Lexi, stop...” Sara said but it was like asari didn’t hear her. 

“You’re just immature little cheater. How could I believe anything would change for me?” Okay, now it really, really hurt. “I know it must’ve been painful for you when we slept together. It must’ve been so painful when my mind was reaching for yours. I even wanted to let it go and meld with you. Make it easier for you. I’m glad I didn’t. It would be another disappointment."

“Lexi... Agh!” Sara screamed when blood started to show on her clothes. Asari shuddered like she woke up from some kind of trans and Sara fell on the ground. She jumped to Sara’s side and started to undress her. There were big open wounds on her arms and legs. She heard sound of opened door and turned around. Drack was walking to them.

“I heard screaming and thought someone was just fucking here but this looks serious. What happened, doc?” 

“I’ll tell you later, please, take her to the med bay!” Drack snorted but did what she wanted. 

Sara cried with pain when Lexi was taking care of her wounds. Med bay was locked, window to the hall shadowed and SAM made sure no sounds got out of there. Lexi sighted with relieve when she found out that scratches were only on surface. Sara blacked out during the process and didn’t wake up again.

“So, doc. Tell me what happened.” Dack was staring at her. She knew lying would make no point so she told him truth. Truth about their secret relationship, about Nexus, about what happened. Drack was listening and then started to silently laugh. 

“You and Ryder. Who would think about that. He he he... You’re not as innocent as you seem. You hurt her pretty badly.” Lexi sighted. He was right, she totally lost it. “You said you saw her with another asari?” 

“Yes...”

“Well, you were drunk. You can’t say precisely what you saw. Alcohol tries to fool us all the times.” Drack put hand on her back in protective gesture. “You can’t be sure of anything.” Lexi looked at Sara and regretted everything she said to her. Even if there was something with the other asari, she didn’t deserve this. She was through enough pain even without her. It was selfish.

“Drack... please, don’t tell anyone about this.” 

“Sure thing doc. But don’t think no one will notice. Just warning you.” Drack left for galley again and left Lexi with Sara alone. 

“He’s right. They’ll notice sooner or later...” Lexi said quietly and put her head into her hands. 

“Then let it be later.” She raised her head again and saw Sara looking at her. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I never wanted to. I did it to protect us. To protect you.” 

“What do you mean...? So you and that woman really-”

“Nothing happened between us. I thought if everyone saw me with Keri, it would take care about all suspicions about you and me.” Lexi couldn’t believe it.

“You should tell me...” 

“It was in the moment thought. I’m sorry Lexi...” Sara sat up despite doctors protests and looked at her. “I never wanted to hurt you. I love you... I want to be with you. Only you.”

“Sara, I hurt you... with biotics.” 

“I know and I deserved it. You wouldn’t if I wasn’t such a fool.” Sara was afraid of direction this was heading. She was afraid Lexi would leave her; she would do anything right now just to prevent it. 

“I’m not sure about that... I was like mad woman, I didn’t think.” Lexi bowed her head, she couldn’t look at her. “And there is no guarantee it won’t happen again when I see you with someone else. I can’t do this Sara.”

“Then you won’t see me with anyone else. Lexi please!” 

“I have to give you something.” Sara raised her brows when asari took her hand and went into her pocket with the other one. When Sara saw what she put into her palm, she was filled with joy.

“My pendant! You found it! Where?” Human asked with wide smile on her face.

“In the cargo bay. I-“ Sara interrupted her with deep kiss. Lexi froze at first but then returned it. How was that every time this woman kissed her, everything felt right? She wanted to confess but Sara took all the courage away again. Her body, mind and soul were betraying her. She wanted the kiss to last forever. Oh, how much she loved this woman. Sara pulled away; smile still on her face. 

“Thank you. I was looking so long for this.” 

“You’re welcome...” Lexi smiled. She knew she’d regret this later, but those were the only words she could say right now.

“Please, stay with me. We’ll talk more often, get to know each other.” Sara said with plea in her voice.

“I will. But promise me, no other women this time.” Sara chuckled.

“I promise.”


	18. Bad poker face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, a lot to do latelly, not much time. I'll try to catch up on the weekend :)

„Hey, Keri. I just received your interview with the Pathfinder. It’s good, but I think we might aid some juicy details about her, something from her personal life, you know. To let citizens feel that she’s only human too. I’ll wait for this to add it to your episode; I won’t let it out without this, promise.  
Keep up good work, I’ll call you later.”

“Hakim, wait!” It was too late, he hang up. Keri placed head in her palms. He always wanted impossible. “Juicy details about Pathfinder’s life... Hakim, I hate you.” He was right of course. Society reacted well when she asked Sara what she does between missions and they naturally wanted to know more about the woman that was fighting for them out there. But juicy details? Like love life? No way!

She stood up and walked to the kitchen in her sparsely furnished apartment and poured some hot tea. Maybe she could let out something that Sara told her when they were walking around Nexus, but... No, that wouldn’t be fair to her. She trusted her when she told her things about her life and Keri didn’t want to break that trust. It was maddening situation. Hakim wanted her to give people something personal, maybe some gossip. The thought flew through her mind. She couldn’t give them any facts, she didn’t want to ‘cause she was part of it. But she could give them something to think about. 

Keri sat to her work table once again and started to search in every Pathfinder file she could find. Sara told her she has preference in woman and every woman near her could be the possibility. She spend hours searching through Extranet, things about Pathfinders crew, the people she spend time with on Nexus, Aya, Voeld or Eos, realizing it’s not only about work but that she’s interested on personal level. It wasn’t an easy task and writing down what she was about to record wasn’t either. It was chewing her conscience that she was about to talk of Sara without seeing her before. Before getting her permission. 

Keri could still feel Ryder’s heart trembling against her hand when she touched her chest. It meant Keri was not indifferent to her. No, she had to compromise. To make Hakim and people happy and not blackmail Sara completely. 

When she was happy with what she wrote, she picked up the camera and started recording. 

“Here we go. Starting in three, two, one...” 

The recording went great and she was ready to add it to the upcoming episode. She felt bad about this, but it was for the people, right?

“I just received it. It was great, that’s exactly what people need! You’re amazing, you know that, right? I’ll start working on it right away and post it as soon as possible! Good night.”

“I’m sorry, Sara...”

\--------------------------------------------  
“Oh c’mon! You were cheating!” Cora smashed cards on the box posted in the middle of the cargo bay and frowned at Gil who took all money they bet. 

“Me? Cheating? Never!” He grinned and looked at Ryder. “Another game?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Sara smiled and started to stand up but voice sounded from the top of the room. 

“I’ll play.” Gil, Sara, Cora and Liam turned around. Lexi was leaning against the balcony railing and smiled at Gil, accepting his challenge.

“What? You and gambling?” Gil raised his eyebrows and watched her walking to the elevator. 

“Why not? Do you think I’m that dull?” She smiled and put her hands on her waist.

“Ok doc, you’re in. Shall I deal?”

“I will.” Lexi sat down and took the cards, looking him straight in his eyes. “Just a friendly warning - you’re gonna loose.” 

“Huh, yeah, keep dreaming T’Perro.”

Watching them play was entertaining and fun. Sara could tell that they were both analyzing each other. For Gil spoke his experience and for Lexi her psychologist work. It was a long game just between the two of them and bets got really high over an hour; over ten thousand credits were in the game. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Peebee walked in right when things got to the finale and both of them put their cards on the table. Gil froze.

“Sooo, I take it this one is mine, then?” Lexi chuckled and transferred credits to her omni-tool. 

“Amazing and impossible. At least someone got this little creepy smile from his face.” Liam laughed and patted Lexi on the back. Cora was shaking her head in amazement.

“Wait, Matriarch beat Gil in poker? No way!” Peebee ran to the box and looked at the cards, than at Gil and Lexi at last. “No shit! How did you do it?”

“A little psychoanalyzing mixed with professionalism.” Older asari smirked and then looked at Sara which was smiling at her. 

“Don’t worry Gil, we won’t tell Jill. Promise.” Sara stood up and kissed his forehead. Man just shot angry look at her but then started to laugh. 

“Why not? I was beaten by a doctor! That’s hilarious story, she has to hear it!” He stood up and started to walk away. “Good night everyone. Sleep well’ cause we’ll be on Kadara tomorrow!” Peebee followed him.

“He’s right. Exile world awaits!” Liam said with excitement in his voice and with Cora walked to their beds. Only Sara and Lexi stayed in the room; smiling at each other. 

“You know he’s going to talk about it every time I’m with him, right?” Sara chuckled; raising her hand to Lexi.

“I don’t think so.” Lexi smiled and looked at the pendant on human’s neck. Gil looked curious about story behind returning it but she managed to always be with someone so they couldn’t speak alone. 

She took Sara’s hand and followed her to her quarters. When they were inside, Sara grabbed her head and locked their lips into passionate kiss. 

“Tell me you’re staying tonight.” Sara whispered against asari’s lips.

“I can’t. I have wor-“ Sara shut her up with another kiss. Lexi could feel desire growing in her body and pulled the other woman closer. 

“No, you don’t have any bloody work.” Sara looked into her hazel eyes and saw hesitation. Lexi sighted.

“Okay. I’ll stay. But only under one condition.” 

“Shoot.” Sara laughed and leaned forehead against hers. 

“I want it whole tonight. No holding back...” Lexi was whispering so quietly Sara almost couldn’t hear her. She was shocked.

“Wait, you mean... you want to...”

“Yes, I want to...” 

None of them knew how they undressed and manoeuvred to the bed but last thing Sara could feel before falling was her body pressed against the asari. Then it happened. She experienced melding with Taleshia but this experience was completely different. There were similarities, sure. She couldn’t feel her body, everything was quiet and emotions were floating through her. But her surroundings were different. So much colours and shapes of both of their personalities. 

“I want you to have me. All of me. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I’m yours...” She could hear Lexi’s voice; she could feel asari’s hands exploring her body, far far away in the physical world, as she felt herself growing closer to the edge. 

“I know... I love you...” They kissed again, as one person, one body, one soul...


	19. The document

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for late update. A lot is happening and there is not so much time for writing as I'd want to :)

_“Yes, I want to...”She’s standing opposite the beautiful asari and can’t believe her own senses. They’re in the cave where storm forced them to hide, touching each other, looking deep in the eyes._

_“I don’t know Tal... It’s too personal. I’m-“_

_“Afraid.” She finishes the sentence and put hand on her cheek. “It’s gonna be alright. Don’t worry.” Taleshia smiles and kiss Sara on the lips. She can feel her heart racing when she touches another woman and hug her in strong embrace. Everything was different at this moment. The way Taleshia touched her, the way she put Sara’s clothes down, every single kiss._

_“I’m gonna do it. Don’t panic, okay?” Sara swallows and nods. This is it._

She gasped and trembled. Another memory flash. Lexi’s sleeping body was still lying on bed next to her in peaceful embrace of the stars shining through the window, as beautiful as ever. The last night was something Sara never experienced. She knew melding from Taleshia, but this one was completely different. She couldn’t understand because they were so much alike in so many aspects of their behavior. 

“Pathfinder, we’ll be docking Kadara in two hours.” SAM’s voice sounded in her quarters.

“Noted.” She smiled and gently caressed Lexi on the cheek. Asari moved and opened her eyes. 

“What time is it?” She asked silently, still with sleepy voice. 

“We’d have to go soon, we’re almost on Kadara.” 

“Mhf...” Strange sound escaped Lexi’s lips as she sat on the bed. “Are you alrigth? You look tired.” 

“I am. Just dreams.” Human smiled and gave her slight kiss on the lips. In this moment, steps sounded on the opposite side of the door. 

“SAM-“ But before she could finish, the door opened. Lexi quickly covered herself with a blanket when they both watched an intruder. It was Gil. Sara was raging with anger, staring at him with killer face.

“Gil... PRIVACY! That word. Rings any bells in that little peanut head of yours?!” Gil didn’t look at her and walked to the computer.

“Yeah, sorry lovebirds, but you have to see that.”With those words he used his omnitool and made the screen larger. Sara froze. It was Keri’s face. 

Lexi just raised her eyebrows and looked at Sara, totally confused. She recognised that woman. It was the one she saw with her lover on the Nexus. 

“I’ll play it now. But, doc, promise me, no raging with biotics, okay? Here we go...” The vid started to play with Keri’s raised voice and wide smile. 

“We just got through another amazing part of our document, ending with an interview with our most beloved pathfinder, Sara Ryder. Tha last time we saw her, we talked about her time between missions. Today, I have even more information about our fighter.

We never really saw her with a partner, did we? In that case, I have bad news for guys, ‘cause it seems that our pathfinder isn’t into man! I heard that few centuries ago on earth, it woul be really big scandal!”

Sara clenched her hands into fists, her blood boiling from Keri’s words. How could she!

“But like that’s not enough, I heard from reliable anonymous source that our human is into blue. You heard me. The question is... Who got close to her? Our wild but unstable scientist or the cute but little workaholic doctor? Let us know what you think! 

This is Keri T’Vessa, specially for you!”

Sara grabbed a pillow and threw it on the Keri’s image, accidently hitting Gil.

“I was your source! You...! You...!” She didn’t care that she was naked anymore and stood up from the bed. “After we finish our mission on Kadara, I’m going right back on Nexus and I swear I’ll threw her to the wild space!”

“I get it, I get it and completely understand, but I think it would be better to be dressed for that, miss baby shaved skin. Everywhere, really...” He raised his hand in front of him, covering the place on Sara’s body he didn’t want to see anymore. 

“Oh...” She blushed and cleared her throat. “No boundaries among best friends, huh?” She grinned at him.

“I would like those boundaries to stay, thank you! Now, get some clothes on, for fuck sake woman!” He raised one of his hands higher and closed his eyes.

Sara turned around and looked at Lexi, still sitting on the bed, covering herself with a blanket. Her face was hollow. She knew this wasn’t good.

“Um... Gil? Could you leave please?” Gil sighted and turned around, waving his hand.

“Yeah. I won’t get this picture of you out of my head for some time anyway. Just invent some good idea how to kick that blue ass out of the Nexus. Maybe in front of camera, that would be great!” The door closed behind him and Sara could finally give her whole attention to Lexi’s shaking body. 

“Your fling was a documentary maker? Really?” She wasn’t angry. Her tone was sad and disappointed. It hurt Sara more than if she’d scream. “This is what I feared. Sara I... I can’t do this.” She kneeled on the bed next to the asari and put hand around Lexi’s shoulders.

“It’s gonna be alright. You’ll see, I’ll take care of it.”

“No...” Lexi shook Sara’s hand off her shoulders and stand up, starting to dress up. There was silence for long time when Sara just watched Lexi, fear building up in her. When asari zipped up her red-white medical dress, she took a deep breath and continued. “I can’t lead secret relationship. It’s too hard for me. You’re risking your life almost every day and I’m sitting there, on this ship, fearing for your life... “Her voice was shaking a bit but she knew she have to do it. “I won’t jeopardize this mission just for my personal lust. Not if we’re so close to be discovered.” She couldn’t look at Sara. She couldn’t look into those beautiful sea blue deep eyes, probably full of pain now. 

Sara felt like something inside her died. She wanted to scream, tell her that it’s nonsense. Tell her that they’ll figure it out. But she couldn’t move. Not after what happened night before. Not after she felt every part of Lexi, physical and psychical. Asari started to walk towards the door and the movement woke up Sara from her frozen state. Still naked, she ran to her lover and wrapped hands around her waist. Tears were rolling down on her cheeks, face buried in Lexi’s shoulder.

“Don’t...” Sara murmured through sobs. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave me. You can’t...” 

Lexi gently touched her hands, holding them for a minute than pushed them down.

“I’m sorry, Sara...” She walked away and the door closed. Sara fell down on cold floor, moving again became impossible. This couldn’t be happening. Not after that night...


End file.
